Jun 15, 2016
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
Where do I begin? So much pain, both physically and emotionally, have recently occurred in my life. I currently live in fear. After 19 years of anorexia and bulimia, my body is shutting down. I wear my battle scars on the inside as well as on my arms. I believe that together, as a team, we can support each other to heal some of these scars.
I recently was in the hospital. I have Ileus, which is where the bowel shuts off. In three days, I threw up 40 times. I became so weak, dehydrated and have been experiencing severe pain in my abdomen and in my pelvic area. I saw my doctor today and had blood work done, as he is concerned that I may have appendicitis. I am so scared and pray I don’t because I am scared of needing surgery. I currently cannot eat anything without throwing up; therefore I have to go on a clear, liquid diet till I am better.
I wish I knew then what I know now.
This is going to be hard, but I have been to hell and back and believe that with my resilience, I can get through this. I keep saying, “I wish I knew then what I know now,” with regards to my eating disorders. Even when I am doing well, the physical complications continue to arise as too much damage has been done. This is the sad truth.
Do not drown in your soup of emotions.
To those who have not yet reached this point, I beg you to get help before it is too late. We do not choose to have eating disorders, but we have the choice to fight ED and to not throw in the towel. Please, get all the support you are able to. It is not worth all this chaos. I do not want to die, I do not want to be a statistic and I do not want to hurt anymore.
EDs can be overcome. Do not drown in your soup of emotions, swim up for air, reach out and grab onto the help that is right in front of you. I believe we can all recover and live a life where our ED is in our back pocket and not in control of us. I have faith in all of you. This is the hardest disease I have ever had to fully overcome, but it is worth it in many ways. I have so much to say, but I am practicing the principle of keeping “it” simple. Just for today, lets not give up, lets stand together and fight EDs and all our demons to the best we can.
Remember, you are not alone. Take each day one bite at a time. I wish you all a happy and healthy 24 hours and will write again tomorrow. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Live for today because that is all we have. The past is gone and the future is unknown.
Love to you all.