Nov 25, 2020
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
I feel so raw and exposed, on this healing journey I’ve chose. And nobody even knows, if this will work or when. It’s difficult to deal with all these thoughts in my head; they sometimes leave me lifeless feeling like I need to lay in bed.
When what I really want to do is be productive instead.
But I’m forcibly confined to my mind. And while my inner critic says, “don’t whine” – my eyes just watch the time unwind and escape me. My brain is always concerned for my safety and I try to handle this bravely, because no one person can save me but lately, it’s been a struggle. Two steps forward and two steps back, constantly feeling like I’m under attack… In fact, I am, the cards are stacked but this battle is a civil war. I don’t know what’s in store but I do know that I’m a fighter so when it comes to my resilience there will always be more.
I know I’m not alone, I’m not insane.
And all lions learn how to roar. And through building relationships with people I will learn how to soar. Community supports, with people who “get me” – even when I’m feeling low and the situation is tricky. They will all be a spoke in my wheel, and once I have enough of that combined steel – perhaps the bad days won’t feel so intense like a movie reel. Or maybe they will be? But if I have the support – hopefully I can feel stronger like I have a cohort.
And on these bad days, maybe I can learn how to feel, because when I’m alone all I see is that movie reel. And when I see it I try to seal it, I cover it quickly because I don’t want to feel it. But I also don’t want to be unhealthy like the rest of the world, I want to take my grain of sand and turn it into a pearl.
So, deep breaths for now to get me through this day. Some writing to remind me that sunshine can still come after the rain. And sometimes that hurt leaves quite the stain… But I know I’m not alone, I’m not insane. These bad days just allow me to train. Some detail oriented practice for my over-analyzing brain.
I am trying my best.
Coping strategies are hard to come by when I’m feeling low, because my brain talks me out of wanting to go. I sit here and ruminate because my body feels so heavy, it feels like everything’s broken just like a Chevy. Telling me I’m not ready for life because I’m always facing so much strife – yet what I want more than anything is to be a happy mother and a wife.
The worst part about the negativity is I lose sight of my hope. As if multiple days of happiness was nothing but a cruel joke. But I know that’s not true I just have to reach out to another spoke, and there are plenty of those kind and compassionate folks. So while I am hurting due to my inability to close the container, I’m not going to let the progress fade like it’s falling through a culinary strainer. But let me tell you, it’s not a no-brainer.
I sometimes am frustrated when the Kleenex is soaked, I feel like I am disappointing my genuine spokes – I incorrectly assume they’re annoyed of my constant unrest, and so to combat those feelings, I remind myself that…
I am trying my best.