Silent Desperation

Depression… Anxiety… A dark figure lurking behind me, on top of me, following me every moment of my life. Waiting until I am in a weak enough place that it can overcome me. Taking my life, for a time, completely away from me. My mind is confused most of the time… I feel paranoid of every noise, every person, every situation.  I’m extremely nervous.  Even in the safety of my own home or out for a walk with my dog. This knot in my stomach pulling tighter and tighter that never goes away.

I’m in a crowded store, and my anxiety rises likes rolling waves into my chest causing immense pressure and my heart pounds so hard I can feel each beat in my temples. With shaking hands, shallow breathes and a trembling voice I try to excuse my way past people visiting and blocking the aisle I’m trying to escape through. “Focus on the Door,”  “I’m ok nothing is going to happen to me, I can make it to the door!  Focus on the door! Breathe!”

The world around me starts closing in.

But, still not safe, the anxiety heightens and the thoughts  racing in my mind  are out of control.  It’s getting hard to breath now. My body is sweating and the world around me starts closing in. The paranoia begins, everyone  in that store, parking lot,  could see that something was wrong with me. My God! Who were they, did I know anyone?

 Once locked in my car it sets in… The attack… My chest is crushing with pain and my breathing is becoming harder with each attempt to fill my lungs. I’m dizzy and my brain is reeling. My hands so unsteady I can’t put the keys in the ignition.  I feel hands around my neck trying to squeeze my life out of me. I breathe deeper… Minimal airflow… Focus… Pick a spot and stare… Breathe, stare… After many, many  repetitions I’m beginning to calm. Breath, calm, cry, exhausted…

As I arrive home I park in my driveway.  The sense of relief to be home is immeasurable.  Suddenly it occurs to me I don’t remember how I got here. The road I took, did I stop for traffic lights and where are my groceries? Moments later it finally occurs to me that my groceries are in the cart in the dairy aisle where I left them.

For the last two months I’ve been having anxiety attacks like this on a regular basis.  They’re keeping me from my family, friends, my job, and going in public — especially alone.  I’m terrified of leaving my house alone.

Anxiety takes away my rational thinking.

Anxiety takes away my rational thinking.  I worry constantly in my waking hours. Harm coming to my children or grandson. I visualize horrible things happening to them like a movie in my mind and I feel helpless that I can’t stop it.  I try to clear my mind through learnt techniques and for a moment I’m OK until other frightening thoughts begin to sneak back in.  I have contemplated  suicide almost every night the past month… but how can I carry this out without my kids knowing I’ve taken my own life. I can’t leave them with this pain. They don’t know but they are the only thing keeping me here. They are my lifeline.

This is my third episode of depression and the worst thus far. I’ve never experienced this type of anxiety that had crippled my well being so drastically. It’s obvious to me the last three years have been the hardest of my entire life and likely these tragedies in my life are what’s brought me here today.  I lost my mom to a three year battle with cancer, my marriage, I was chronically ill for over a year and required surgery, I’ve battled an eating disorder, I was sexually violated by someone I trusted, I’m currently involved in a harassment/bullying complaint against my manager and I have been faced with tremendous financial difficulties.

I will overcome this. I will get better. I’m desperate to have my life back… to move on from this pain. I want to live for my children and my future grandchildren. I want peace and happiness for myself and I will no longer remain silent.