The rot behind my perfect life

Hi, my name is Al and this is my story.

Many people might have never even thought for a second that I suffer from a mental illness. As a 23-year-old who is actually just about to graduate university, I would say that I have plenty to be thankful for. During my time as a student, I have been involved as a Head Orientation Week Leader for multiple years, and have had numerous successes outside of school – starting my own non-profit organization, and personal business to name a couple. Along with that, I like to think I’m a fairly popular guy, who is looked up to by many peers, and I have an extremely loving family and friend group. Despite this, however, my time as a student has also been tumultuous in many senses, as I have battled many of my demons that lie under the surface. Overall, I may have a lot going for me, but that’s the thing, mental illness isn’t about having or not having things going for you, it’s an illness. It’s not a meritocracy, it just happens to anyone, without any real rhyme or reason.

A downward spiral that can feel like never ending quicksand.

To dive deeper into my story, I have battled Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety and Major Depression at multiple instances, including daily when it comes specifically to anxiety. This generally constitutes itself in vast overthinking, catastrophizing, frustrating shyness, and the most crippling – constantly seeking validation from the external world. In simpler terms, I am always wondering whether I look okay, whether what I am doing is impressive, worrying about what people are thinking, assuming the worst, being hard on myself, having regrets… the list goes on and on, basically encompassing every negative thought you can think of. This leads to an incredibly frustrating cycle of not being productive, but more importantly, not being at peace, ever. There have been times in my life where I have felt really depressed, down on everything – with absolutely no drive, interest, or motivation to dig my heels in and fight my way out. That in and of itself is a downward spiral that can feel like never ending quicksand to give it imagery.

I can’t convince myself I’m anything but a failure.

There have been times when I feel stressed just leaving my room because I have to face the outside world and all of its perceived judgment. There have been times when I spend an hour in front of the mirror, because I “can’t make myself look good”. There have been times when I can’t convince myself I’m anything but a failure. Overall, there are tough battles that I’ve fought and some that I still very much fight, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Generally these battles are fought externally, through putting on a face and burying my feelings. Because who would ever wants to show that? Show their demons, their vulnerabilities? In today’s world where it has become all about self-promotion, and as a byproduct has people constantly comparing themselves to others – why would anyone show anything about themselves that doesn’t make people think they have their life together? It’s hard. And it’s 100% okay to say that – it’s really hard. Personally, I think this is the thing that was the most frustrating, as I constantly felt like I wasn’t being myself. I felt all the pressure to be the leader that people looked up to and who never had anything go wrong. It was this extreme self-consciousness that led to me feeling anxiety at so many different instances.

Nowadays, I have shared my story, and through that begun a healing process that has been more than I ever could have hoped for. I have sought help where I have needed it, and through sharing have really been able to connect with people who are dealing with similar things. Together, we all lighten the load that each of us carries everyday. When I did share my story with my friends – I was so surprised to see the amount of people that messaged me publicly and privately who battle anxiety and depression themselves.

We all continue to be leaders in the battle against mental illness.

What I want people to realize with me sharing my story is that they are not alone, and that mental illness is something that is way more common than they might think – whereby, even someone who they think couldn’t possibly suffer, is suffering. Additionally, to those who cannot believe they are suffering, because the facts don’t add up – they have so much going for them, but for some reason feel rotten – that’s okay, and you’re not alone! The most important thing is that we all continue to be leaders in the battle against mental illness. By looking at everyone with compassion and empathy, and actively destroy the stigma surrounding mental illness by addressing it and talking about it fearlessly. You have a friend in me.