Jul 18, 2016
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
I don’t know what happened.
Well, I do know, I lost the battle tonight.
I did not have the energy to fight him. ED snuck up on me. I was fine one second, then I felt anger, and next is all a blur. I binged, well a subjective binge, followed by purging. I feel disgusting that I threw up. I feel weak and like a failure. This is not supposed to be where I should be at in my recovery. I am supposed to set an example, to show people how bad an eating disorder is and how serious it is. I lost my entire life to this disease. I gave up my hopes and dreams. I almost lost my family and if you know me, it takes A LOT for my parents to get to that point. I remember after relapsing into my ED after the hospital as well as relapsing on drugs, I had no relationship with my parents or sister. I was desperate, a lost soul, and at rock bottom.
This was when I decided to have my last suicide attempt that changed my life and my perspective on many things.
But I know I can overcome my fears.
I remember being a very young, innocent girl who loved animals, singing, and laughter. Now, I think of what I have been through and how sad it is that I did not smile for almost 20 years. In pictures during those times, I can see through the fake smile as I look into my sad, hopeless eyes of the girl who I was, who cried alone at night, wishing and hoping that I would never wake up. I am afraid of many things including life, death, pain, betrayal, relapse, etc., but I know I can overcome my fears. I have been through everything and have experienced things that most people only see in movies. My life is no joke. It is overwhelming and almost impossible to understand unless you were by my side, watching me along my journey. No one should experience all that I have been through and I am here today to share my story. If I can save one life then I know anything is possible. I always believed that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes good people are faced with so much chaos, pain, and suffering. We could ask “why?” for all of eternity, but the answer is unknown. What is known is that we are given the life that god/higher power/etc., knows we are strong enough to handle. We all have a purpose and are here for a reason. A simple smile to a stranger can positively change their world, turn a bad day into a good day or give that person the confidence they need to make it through the day. We all have an affect on others, some negative, some positive, but it is a choice that only you can make.
We all have the power to change and adapt.
Change is one of the hardest things for me to cope with. I must be honest that at times that I have very poor coping skills, but I did make it here and I am still alive after suffering from a severe eating disorder for at least 16 years, as well as serious mood disorders. We all have the power to change and adapt. You have every right to feel what you feel and to be afraid of recovery, but I can tell you the truth and that is there is nothing to be afraid of when it comes to getting better. You may not know it yet, but you will be happy, you will be able to smile, to be in love and to enjoy time with others without thinking about calories,weight, food, symptoms,etc. One day you will be able to eat a fear food and not even care. It is hard to believe it now, but overtime it naturally happens.
When I was in treatment, I had never been so afraid. I have been locked up too much in my life – too much treatment and too little freedom. I had the most spiritual experience, which I am currently unable to describe. My entire life flashed before my eyes as the tears began to pour down my face. I suddenly remembered all the therapy, tools, and skills I had learned starting at the age of 8. It all clicked together like a puzzle and I knew instantly what I must do to get better. I went home early, knowing I had a long, hard, and painful road ahead of me, but for the first time in my entire life, I had hope that I will be okay.