Missing a piece of myself forever

In honour of SickNotWeakStock, I wanted to run our community member Bailey’s story about losing her twin sister to suicide one more time for our readers. It’s another story to add to the many stories of the youth in Woodstock who are standing up for themselves and asking questions and demanding answers. The fact that such a high number of youth suicides are happening is alarming enough but the fact that the number remains almost unchanging is terrifying.

To everyone out there who is struggling, know that you are not alone.

Talk soon,

Jess #SickNotWeak

June 27, 2014. Funny how one day can change your whole life; I lost my identical twin sister to suicide that day, we were 13 years old.

The first day of summer vacation is supposed to be fun. Well the morning was ok, we had appointments, and then we were going to go for supper with mom and dad. Morgan decided to stay home while we went to get her guitar lesson books and go to dad’s appointment.

It’s hard living when half of you is missing.

Leaving the store I felt funny. Like something was gone, missing, I don’t know really, it’s still hard to explain. We headed home. I ran inside and found our bedroom door locked, I heard music playing and I heard our dog in the room. We banged and yelled but she didn’t answer. Finally dad got the door open and got in the room, then I pushed in, saw her and then my mom. I remember grabbing my dog while my mom yelled to call 911.

It’s hard living when half of you is missing, learning to live again, learning to fight for changes and making sure other families don’t have to face the same things I do.

My name is Bailey and I am 15 years old. I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I have scares from self harm and I attempted suicide on October 23, 2015 after suffering a mental break down when the doctor tried to take me off my medication. I miss my twin sister more than anything and there isn’t a minute of the day I don’t think about her. I am not whole with her gone.

My mom, dad, and myself started Morgan’s Mission Memorial Society here out west in hopes of changing the way bullying/cyber bullying is dealt with, push for more education and treatment options for us who need it and to stop people from avoiding suicide prevention cause they think if you don’t talk about it then it wont happen. Sorry, but you’re dumb if you think that way. Suicide NEEDS to be talked about and parents NEED to listen to their kids. My mom knows my moods better than I do, creepy I know, but that is what keeps me safe when I have those bad or dark days.

PTSD sucks a$$. I am 15; I shouldn’t be worrying about medications, vitamins, sleep routines, and diet/exercise. (OK maybe exercise but in a fun way, not cause I HAVE to) I should be able to have sleepovers without having to worry about nightmares and night terrors. Honestly, had the help Morgan needed been there and not a wait list then things could be different. Two months after she died was when they called with her referral, 8 months after my parents begged the doctor to help her more. Me, well I get my chart flagged and get doctors as I need them. Not fair.

Not only have I lost my twin to suicide, but I also lost my brother to an addiction. I watched my mom fight for him to get help, get treatment, and still fight to protect us while the system failed to help him. Now I lost him to his addiction. I told my mom I am waiting for us to get the call he is gone. It’s different but still not something I should be saying. Why is it so hard for us to get help when we need it? Why aren’t we learning these things in school? Why are we not training people to help others?

We do not need to be ashamed of our illness.

My goal? I hope that everyone is able to find one person who will talk to them and keep them going. I spend time talking people out of washroom stalls, online, and over the phone. Why? Because we all deserve to have someone listen and help. We are sick, not weak and we do not need to be ashamed of our illness. Would you be if you had cancer or diabetes? NO. So why the hell should you be because you have depression, anxiety, PTSD, an eating disorder, or addiction?

Last weekend I became certified in suicide alertness, SafeTalk. This fall I am looking forward to taking ASIST so I can help with suicide intervention and hopefully create a program for adults so they can help teens better.

I get tired of being sick, but I will never get tired of helping others and that is what helps me stay strong. #SickNotWeak #LoveLives #MentalHealthMatters #MorgansMission