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Can I have my cake and eat it too?

Guest Author: Laura

This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.

I am thinking,

I am questioning,

I am worrying,

I am doubting,

I am challenging,

I am fighting,

I am scared,

Am I actually eating this?!

One bite is too many,

A thousand never enough,

I am going against “HIM”,

ED is screaming,

HE is so mad,

I cannot let this continue,

I am not ready to “let go”,

I am going to eat this cake,

for there is nothing wrong with having a bite or two,

but how will I cope when the second bite,

turns into half a slice,

what if it turns into a whole slice?

ED tells me I am getting fat,

ED tells me I am letting myself go,

Well, I am telling you ED,

to literally FUCK OFF!!!!

I deserve to have cake,

I deserve to eat it too,

if I want a bite that fine,

but if I decide to eat it all,

you will leave me alone,

I won’t throw it up,

not at all,

Why do I punish myself?

Because you tell me that I am a piece of shit,

Well no longer can you abuse me,

I cannot take another moment of this,

You and I,

side by side,

for 17 plus years it has been,

I am tired,

in pain,

weak,

exhausted,

full of so much shame,

no longer can this continue,

for I am falling apart,

like a million little pieces,

scattered among the floor,

no one to pick me up,

no one can save me now,

it is me that has to stand up,

fight you,

fight a huge part of me,

then I will move forward,

one bite at a time,

you will start to shrink,

each day there will be less of you,

your voice will eventually be a whisper in my mind,

one day you will just be a memory,

so hard to even imagine,

but in time,

I will be okay,

in time,

I will have moved on,

but for now,

this war continues,

for now,

I fight for my life,

but tonight,

I choose to not have a symptom,

I will begin the count till you force it out of me,

just like you did to me last night,

but tonight,

I feed my soul,

I take a bite of this cake,

so much guilt,

but the real me knows,

I should feel so proud,

because tonight I eat,

tonight I fight,

it will be hard and painful,

but I can say that no purging or self-harm will occur tonight,

I will stay safe,

because I will scream for help,

for I deserve this moment,

I am not weak,

I am not fat,

I am not a pig,

I am not committing a sin,

I am conquering my demons,

one bite at a time,

life has been very hard,

I fell down a step or two,

but I will move forward once again,

for tonight I feel like I am standing on my own two feet.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP AND TAKE EACH DAY ONE BREATH, ONE MOMENT, ONE BITE, AT A TIME!!!

 

Love, Laura

http://www.mylifewithed.com/2014/04/can-i-have-my-cake-and-eat-it-toothis.html

Comments

Darlene
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Thanks for your words Laura. I too fight this battle every day and sometimes I even eat cake. Maybe one day I will do it without shame and guilt.

lyricgal63
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Way to be so strong!! you GO girl!!

KylaI
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Thank you for this. I struggle with this a lot every day, and this is exactly what I needed to hear to help me not give up. You’re so strong, I wish you all the best, you can do this! And thanks to your inspiration, maybe I can too. 🙂

Laura
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Thank you all for your kind words it means a lot to me that I have even given you an ounce of inspiration and hope I wish you all the best and trust me if I can do you this and keep fighting you Can too! Anything is possible that is something I’ve learned along my journey we fall down but that’s OK as long as we get back up we each have our own obstacles to overcome But things can and do get better I’m starting to find that out and it’s a beautiful thing but I still have a long way to go feel free to reach out to me anytime take care

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