All I want is for you to understand

I tell you the following for no other reason than to educate you, not on myself for I am one of millions. I don’t seek sympathy nor do I seek special treatment. All I ask is that you try to understand what this is. People with this medical condition work hard so you, and even those who have “It” cant see “It”.

With all the movements and recognition over the past few years I thought perhaps I might bring it one step closer to home for you who might be reading this. As I think there are still doubts and misunderstandings… that “It” exists. I have something, which some people consider a sickness while there are still others who think “It” is a choice. While I have no control over how any of you feel and you have no control over me, I wanted to let you know “It” is a sickness. I have what is categorized as Clinical Depression, there is no escape from “It”, “It” is not a temporary funk; “It” is something that people struggle with daily. Thankfully. “It” is something that can be controlled through medication, exercise (which is tough as energy is drained) and diet. But Depression is very real.

The depression is always there and so the emotions quickly fade.

Logic tells me that my feelings are wrong.

Many mornings I wake up and I think to myself, I don’t want to take the pills today, today I am going to get over this; today I am not going to have “It” bouncing around in my head until sleep finally sends it away for a few hours.   I can go a day without meds, I can even go a couple of days… but the crash after that is a low that makes it almost impossible to get out of bed, or off the couch, of course I still do… but it truly is an internal fight to do so.   I still see humour, and I rarely cry, in fact because of the medication, there is little emotion at all. You wont see this, as you will see me laugh, smile, and express emotion… I’m not a robot 🙂 but the depression is always there and so the emotions quickly fade… That’s the thing; I can’t describe “It” as an emotion because it’s simply a state of mind.

I often question myself; when will I have a normal day?

What is a normal day?

I hide my illness like many in the anonymity of a smile. Fearful of being treated different, fearful of being judged, fleeting thoughts of a time I smiled in honest…. Wondering will the light ever take over the darkness again?

Logic tells me that my feelings are wrong.

Who would want to be low? Or concoct an excuse to be that way?

With depression comes all the other lovely things; like… anxiety, questioning self worth, the feeling that I am not good enough for the people that I allow in my life, and to the people who have no choice but to be in my life, always questioning how fast I will push them away. Logic tells me that my feelings are wrong, intelligence tells me it is the depression, but please don’t ever take me leaving early or not showing up at all as a sign I don’t appreciate all you do for me.

Who would want to be low? Or concoct an excuse to be that way?

There was a time in my life when I looked at people claiming to have depression, and I thought “Sure, what a great excuse.” Looking back now, I can say that karma is a bitch. Who the hell would want to be low? Or concoct an excuse to be that way? Again I stress!! I do not want sympathy, I do not want special treatment, but getting people to understand that depression is very real and not just a choice or an excuse, is all I hope for. If you know me, you know me as a strong, proud, stubborn person. I will not become a statistic… But there are many who will; we have seen it. If you suffer from depression or live with someone who has depression … you may empathize with what I have said. If you don’t know anyone close to you who does have it…. you do now. Thanks for reading.