Impulsivity

I don’t think my therapists believed me when I declared that I have experienced all the symptoms of Borderline Personality, including the brash impulsivity that is viewed as one of its primary characteristics. How could it make sense to them? I didn’t drink, do drugs, or binge on food or shopping; I didn’t engage in promiscuity or try to commit suicide. Little did they know, I did drop my pants in the middle of a courtyard and write poetry all over the stairs of my apartment building as spontaneous expressions of my suffering. And while those expressions gave me a sense of empowerment at the time, they were my equivalent of the presumed “bad” impulsive behaviours of borderlines. They helped numb my pain, but they moved me no closer to the self I wanted to be – in fact, they helped entrench me further in the illness I didn’t know I had.

There are, however, many “good” impulsive tendencies in a borderline personality as well, and I believe that that impulsiveness can be channeled into actions that truly do bring us closer to the self we want to be. Many of the greatest decisions I’ve made in my life were the result of pure impulse. It probably seems strange to some that my “boyfriend” (now husband of six years) moved in after just a month of “dating.” The thing was that to us we weren’t really dating, and we weren’t just boyfriend and girlfriend. We wanted to be with each other every possible second, something that hasn’t changed very much over the years. That decision was followed up by an impulsive decision by me, though I had previously maintained that I wished never to get married, to ask my BFF to marry me. The 1.5 months that it took us to arrange everything for our simple wedding felt like the two years that must be required for most engagements, considering the “NOW BOOKING FOR SUMMER 2018!” that I’ve noticed on hotel billboards.

That’s the power of impulsivity even over addiction.

Adopting our dog, and deciding to move and buy a new house, also over just 1.5 months, are some other impulsive decisions I feel that I led, though my husband certainly agreed to them. I have also sent an unsolicited CV and cover letter to places I wanted to work, places I previously believed above my ability, and to surprising success, completely on whim. Similarly, I remember my mom impulsively applying to and being the successful candidate in a variety of unexpected jobs that took her to many interesting and creative spaces. I also followed in my father’s impulsive footsteps when I was challenged to go vegan by my husband, who simply reminded me that I knew it was the right thing to do, and I dropped everything and did it that day—no baby steps—while my father, when he learned my mother was pregnant long ago, quit smoking immediately and never lit another cigarette. That’s the power of impulsivity even over addiction, be it to tobacco or cheese.

And sometimes an impulse can even save me.

A positive impulsivity can take other forms as well – leading to a satisfying, often compassionate, life lived out  loud. I am the person who runs after the woman who forgot her umbrella on the bus. I am the person who takes a bowl of freshly picked strawberries to the neighbour when I see her crying. I am the person who sees an inexplicable amount of garbage in front of a building at work at 7:45 a.m. and figures she has enough time to pick it all up. I see a hill and run up it! I see a tree and I climb it! I dance my whole way through the mini-golf course. These are all impulses that enrich my life. They’ve also helped me start my own business and an online creative writing magazine. And sometimes an impulse can even save me. With a tendency to isolate myself, it’s complete spontaneity that will make me finally think, “I’m going to see if my sister wants to go swimming,” or “I’m going to call my friend I haven’t talked to in awhile.” If I ignore the impulse, those things often do not happen, and I further isolate myself.

Today, the only question for me before following an impulse is, “Will this make me happy?” The impulses I followed during some of my most difficult years were those that dug me further into despair. They are the type that don’t offer true happiness, but just a numbing of the pain, and a greater divorce from the inner self that wants to be nurtured and set free. Those with borderline personality have a great skill in unhesitatingly chasing what will make them happy, and that skill is something we should put to full use in our healing.