Asking for help

A few weeks ago, I had a bad night.

It had started off as a good day, nothing bad had happened and I was ‘ok’. I guess that makes me feel so much worse about what happened.

I had gone to bed and was watching YouTube videos and looking on Twitter. Then from out of nowhere this wave of negative emotion washed over me. I felt it soak into my pores. As the negativity, depression, anxiety, self-hatred and sadness enveloped me I could feel a change and I knew what was about to come.

In that moment I sent a text to my two closest friends, who both knew about my depression and how drastic a change it can cause in me. Having to ask for help sucked, it was another reminder that I couldn’t cope on my own, that I was always reliant on someone else, this was another failure. Yet at the same time I was pleased, I had managed to reach out before things escalated. I had recognized the signs and shown some desire to survive this ordeal.

It felt like she cared and was trying to understand.

Fortunately one of them replied and we began to talk (via WhatsApp). She wanted to call me, but I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t say the things I was experiencing out loud. She asked a couple of times throughout our conversation if she could call, which I said no to, but she never pushed. It felt like she cared and was trying to understand. I have spoken to her on previous occasions when I got like this and she knows how I can start to spiral downwards which could have been why she was so worried, and I did.

I felt the need to self-harm, I had already started to lash out and hit myself. When I do this, it is usually my head but can also be my arms and legs. However, there were worse things going on in my mind. I had begun to fixate on going downstairs and getting a knife to cutting myself. This thought became a powerful urge and it took all my strength to just stay in bed; the same bed that I had too often used as a haven from depression.

Talking to her gave me something to focus on, as I tried to ride the waves of emotion and self hate. We spoke about the feelings and emotions I was experiencing and about why this could be (admittedly my answers were probably all over the place and mostly nonsensical). In the moment, it can be really hard to be descriptive about what is happening. However I find this is when I am at my most honest and open, with myself as well as with others. The pain, the sadness and anger, the depression is so raw in the moment. Some of my own blog posts have been written (or at least drafted) in or just after these moments because I am better able to express and describe what is happening to me. Sure it doesn’t always make sense, but the chance to talk, write or draw is a great way to get some of those emotions and feelings out of my body.

I know whatever happens I have the support of some amazing people.

After about 60 – 90 minutes, the emotions started to pass. I was drained emotionally, mentally and physically. I said thank you to her and told her I was going to sleep because I was completely exhausted and didn’t feel anything other than tired. She was unhappy at first because I was alone and she wanted me to go somewhere or call someone that lived nearby. But she relented and told me to sleep and text her in the morning. She also said if anything happened during the night, I had to call her right away. In that moment, I was so grateful to have a friend that was able to listen and tried to understand what I was going through. Talking about the struggle helps me to realize that when this happens again, and I am sure it will, it will eventually pass. Furthermore, I know whatever happens I have the support of some amazing people to help me through.

While in that moment I feel sadness at having to ask for help, I am pleased I have done it and will do it again. Became I am not my illness, it is a struggle, but it’s a struggle I am not ready to give up. I suppose it is about me realizing that this depression is a sickness and asking for help is not a weakness but a strength.

Thank you for reading.

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