I am Vivian

Close the blinds. Turn on my music. Turn off the lights. Get into bed.  Think of nothing.

I did that every single day for years.  Not all day, but it happened every. single. day.

I’ve tried writing this a handful times now, and it never seems “perfect”, this will be my final attempt.  The more I “redo” this journal, the further it gets from being real.  It might not make sense but it doesn’t have to.  

I struggled for years to just get through each day.

Bullies started attacking me in grade 7.  The girls were vicious, the boys were merciless, and the teachers didn’t seem to care.  That all stopped when one day, I snapped.  I couldn’t take it anymore. In the hallway during a break, this one boy started teasing me and taunting me in front of everyone… so I grabbed him, kicked him, punched him, and threw him to the ground.  He cried and I walked away….

After that day, the teasing eased up.  That day has stuck with me ever since because it is the only time in my entire life I have ever intentionally physically harmed someone.

My parents sat me down at the kitchen table and asked me if I was on drugs.  I had never even tried a cigarette, so it caught me off guard.  They didn’t understand what I felt; my “attitude” was me trying to survive.

Throughout my college years I constantly felt alone, and I went out and partied a lot.  Being hungover wasn’t any different than my other days so that too became my norm.  A constant daily struggle.  I didn’t and still don’t consider myself an alcoholic.  I did whatever I could to leave my mind.

I quit university because I was tired of pretending I was happy… I was done.  I was so tired.

I had jobs, and didn’t “love” any of them.  

I entered into a relationship that would bring me to my lowest point. Ever.  I still regret ever opening myself up to such a poisonous person.  Someone who was worse off than I was…

I don’t remember the exact day but one morning, something deep down told me to reach out.  I was working for a CAS at the time and they offered an Employee Assistance Program as part of our benefits.  

One day is all it took for me to begin my healing journey.

I broke down in my office and I picked up the phone 5 times before I was able to dial the number.  That day I began my new challenge.

I booked a counselling session and when I went for the first time, it felt like a bust because I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t.  I felt foolish.

It took me a few sessions to open up, and eventually my counsellor helped me get in to see a doctor.  I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and that almost made it worse.  I felt like a loser, a failure, stupid, everything negative.

I eventually went on meds, but I had so many side effects.  I was beating myself up with these meds… I couldn’t find one that worked…

I continued my counselling with the hospital, and got a referral to a psychiatrist.  After my assessment, I asked him “Am I crazy?”.  He said “no, you are not”.

That’s the first time I felt a sense of relief.

I spent most of my adult life hiding the pain, the sadness, the emotions, and it took its toll on me.  

I was sent to the hospital from work one day during a severe anxiety attack, the worse one ever.  I was sure I was going to die.

After that first one, I had anxiety attacks every day for a week.  I called my parents and my mom came to stay with me.  I couldn’t sleep with the door closed, or the lights off, or in my own bed.  I couldn’t even go outside or be alone.

My mom saved me.  I will never be able to show her just how much I appreciate that.

I took a sick leave and eventually quit my job altogether.  I took a year off with the help of my friends and family and began to really heal.

That year, I fought every day to go out and do something.   I weaned off all medications I was taking, and continued counselling over the phone.  If I hadn’t of had all the support I did, I wouldn’t have made it.  But I did!

Every day is still a struggle.  If I can fight my way out, I believe with all my heart that anyone else can.

Depression will always be a part of me, but my depression isn’t me.

My story is not unique but I am.

I am Vivian, I stopped drinking, I’m smiling again and I am strong.