July 11, 2016
Disclaimer: SickNotWeak does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
I’m standing on the Go Train platform. Platform # 6. Waiting for the 5:43 train home.
I look at the edge of the platform from where I’m standing. The train is rumbling slowly into the station.
Two steps.
Two steps separate me from this life and death.
Depression starts a conversation with me.
“Two steps Laura, Two steps and its over”
“I don’t want to ”
“Yaaaaa you dooooo. Admit it. You’re tired of fighting. Life sucks. It’s a struggle.”
I don’t to,” I sigh, “It’ll hurt.”
“For a millisecond. Then it’s over. C’mon.”
The train is getting closer.
“What if I don’t die?”
There’s no answer for a second. Depression tries another tactic.
“What’s there to live for? You’re 53, you’re overweight. Good luck losing that belly. You’re ugly as hell. You didn’t do anything you thought you were going to do with your life. Everything was a waste of time.”
“I have my husband, my daughter, my step kids. I can’t let them suffer”
“EXACTLY! They’ll be so much better without you”
Two steps.
The train is almost in front of me.
Two steps.
The wheels on the train seem to be taunting me, singing two steps two steps two steps as the train rolls down the platform.
“C’MONNNN Laura” I hear a seductive whisper in my head, urging me. “You can do this!”
Two steps.
“NO! I don’t want to. Not today”
The train passes by me and slows to a stop.
“FINE!” Depression snarls at me.
I hear cynical laughter as I board the steps.
“See you next week.”
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I am so glad you had the strength to stand still and not take two steps when depression reared its ugly head and whispered lies in your ear.
In some ways our painful journey have similar paths … 10 – 54 yrs old – morbidly obese / body image … passion to be auto mechanic – dropped out of high school … 34 yrs old feeling completely broken and beyond fixing.
You may not see it now but you do matter to a lot of people and i could not imagine the sorrow it would bring to your family and friends if Depression won.
As far as falling short on how you envisioned your goals in life, i found out that sometimes what we think is the path we want to pursue , turns out to be so far down another path we never imagined pursuing. Maybe your Pain can turn to Gain in helping others ? … who knows you may have helped others in sharing your story with the *Sick Not Weak * family.
I wish you all the best and the next time you here the whisper ” See you next week” >>> Your response should be “” Not Only Will I See You Next Week Bitch But The Week After And The Week After That , Cause I Matter.
Glad you didn’t take those steps. So true that depression will always be waiting for you to be weak. I wish you strength. 💗
I wrote this a few months ago to give a glimpse of the struggles and conversations people with depression tend to have. As long as my daughter is alive, I’ll never take those two steps. But that doesn’t stop the voice from egging me on when I’m down.