Jun 2, 2016
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
There is not much more that can go wrong for me in 2016. A lot of negative things have happen to me. First, my girlfriend of four years decided that there were greener pastures. Along with her moving back to the city, my son went with her. He is almost four. On top of that, I decided it was time to talk to a professional about my mental state. The doctor confirmed my suspicions. I missed work for the majority of 2016 because I spent most of my time in the Psychiatric Unit at the hospital in out East. Just recently as last week, I was informed that I was no longer needed at my job. I am devastated, to say the least.
I suffer from Clinical Depression. I have suffered from Depression for years. In early January, I decided it was time to seek help. I did. It saved my life. I was scared at first. I was somewhat worried about the community since I had a very public job. I had to conquer that fear. I did so by journaling my experience, my battle with Depression. It has helped me and it has helped many others.
I knew it for years; I just hid it well from most.
I have suffered in silence for years. Fearful, to speak about my illness, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I reached my breaking point due to some personal stressors. I wanted to kill myself. I broke down. I began to do some research on Depression. I went eleven for eleven on the symptoms. The next step was to see a doctor. I saw a few actually. They confirmed I indeed had Depression. I knew it for years; I just hid it well from most. One of the greatest displays of acting that no one will ever know.
I am not sure what I was scared of. Maybe I was to the point where I had enough of life and I just wanted to end it. I had questions and very few answers. I was ready to die. Nothing left to live for. I was close, in fact, minutes to attempting suicide. Death was the easy way out. Living was just too gruelling. I hated myself so much. I wanted to end the pain.
I didn’t succumb to those evil thoughts and feelings. I know what stopped me. Writing did. I began to write my feelings and thoughts out. Blank pages soon had all of my darkest and deepest secrets on them. I harvested the energy to go seek professional help. This is April 2016, so I have spent approximately eight weeks of this year in hospital. It was necessary for me to continue living.
Life is now worth battling for. I have a purpose.
There is no shame in seeking help. It unquestionably saved my life. I am certain I would be dead if I didn’t spend that time in the hospital. I went back on three different occasions. I have tried about six different medications. I have taken part in seven ECT treatments so far, and have more to come. Every day is a battle for me. It always was, but thanks to the help of doctors, nurses, and social workers, life is now worth battling for. I have a purpose. Before, Depression would beat me down so much, I felt worthless and hopeless. It finally caught up to me and I got help.
The depths of my darkest thoughts knew no bounds. Scary shit. Not normal stuff. Truly, terrifying thinking.
Living is the answer.
The professional help has benefitted me. 2016 cannot get much worse for me. I have hit rock bottom. I have pretty much lost anything that has matter to me. My family lives in a different community. I didn’t work in all of 2016. I just lost my dream job for some reason I am unaware of. There is no lower to go. Things are tough, but I am staying positive. I don’t want to kill myself. These are all pretty intense stressors. But I am maintaining an optimistic mindset. I could choose to take the easy way out and kill myself, but that is not the answer. Living is the answer.
No matter how bad things get, there is hope. I have found hope in my son, in my parents, in old and new friends and in complete strangers. I have found hope and purpose in them all. The professionals are doing their part by getting me on the right medication and continuing with my ECT treatments.
Now it is up to me to work on the behavioural aspects. I have begun to work out again. I am trying to eat healthier. I am being nicer to people. I am writing and reading more than ever. I am resilient. I am going to beat this illness, whether it takes me a few weeks or a few years, I am prepared for the war. There will be many battles. I will not win them all, but I will not lose them either. I refuse to let this illness defeat me. Many people have reached out to me saying I give them strength and inspiration. Well folks, you give me strength, hope, and inspiration and because of that, I have decided that losing is not an option.
Only fighting and living; those are the only options for me.