A little white pill

~ My poetic thoughts on finally taking the brave step and trying medication… ~

In this orange container, lies a little white pill. 

Apparently if I take it, it will help my brain come to a standstill.

Perhaps, ease the confusion between real danger and thoughts; but I’m so upset about this new recommendation, hide it? I cannot. I want to be able to gather those positive feelings on my own, instead it feels like my body has betrayed me, disowned. 

It’s not just a choice even though people think it is.

Why can’t I see happiness without being clouded by sadness? Why does trauma have to fuck up my life beyond my ability to manage? I want to see the glass half full, really I do, and I’m often told to choose happiness but it’s near impossible in those lows. It’s not just a choice even though people think it is,  That’s like telling a diabetic to just choose to be balanced, as if managing insulin plays no role in keeping blood sugar at levels they can handle. It’s hard to hear to “choose happiness” because it makes me feel like I’m not trying hard enough, but this shit is rough, I’m constantly fighting these worthless thoughts in my rut. It’s like negativity is intrinsically a part of me. But apparently this pill is supposed to help me feel better eventually, but the irony is the mere fact that this pill is in fact supposed to reduce anxiety yet just the thought of taking it creates those overwhelming thoughts for me…it’s a tragedy, sure is a sight to see, this is no life for me, always acting so frantically but I’m just…so scared. It’s the unknown that I fear.  Causing me to shed a whole lot of tears but I have to try this if I want to live out the rest of my years without dreading every wake up and being so damn scared. Hope. 

Hope is a funny thing one minute you have it the next it is gone before you know it you’re back to square one and you want to give up because living in this rut is exhausting, your brains always plotting how it can ruin your day. And happiness, it never stays, it’s just a short-lived visitor, because the trauma acts as an inhibitor, all the triggers just block and imprison her, it’s like the real you is within but blocked by this impermeable perimeter. 

So I have to take this pill, it’s all I’ve got. As Landsberg says, giving up I cannot. I have to fight for my happiness – give it everything I’ve got.

All options on the table, have to fight myself a whole lot. I’m upset and I’m scared but panic is worse, maybe this will lessen them even if its harder at first. I want to be able to talk about and sort out the trauma because it is the worst, but I need to be able to finish the sentence without reacting, first. I have to sort out these problems it’s been so many years, maybe this will help me begin to shift gears. Because life can’t continue as I’m currently living – rapid heartbeat, anxiety and sometimes quivering.

I need to believe in myself regardless of not having the support I wish I had. I can do this alone. I don’t need saving from a dad. I’m constantly sad, I want to feel other emotions and I don’t want running to be the only way to get that happiness potion. I’m tired of going through the motions. And living at the valley of the coaster of emotions. 

I want to calm my over-analyzing naturally.

I’m scared of the side effects and feeling funny. I’m upset that I’m going to need this to function to clear the clouds and be sunny. I’m so upset about this.

I wish I could do it on my own but maybe it will be temporary and then I can do it on my own. I just don’t want a white pill to be my only reason for a smile or less anxiety, I want to be able to gather those emotions without dependence, I want to calm my over-analyzing naturally. But that’s not happening for me. It’s a tragedy. But what would be worse is if life continued on like this for me. So I’ll cross my fingers that I can reach acceptance and then maybe in a year I won’t have to be dependent.