Tyrant

I hosted a national music video show, I owned/hosted an online radio show, I owned a music magazine, and I have interviewed some of the world’s most well-known DJs/producers. I was the host/promoter at all of Toronto’s most popular nightclubs. I was known as the “Queen of the Dancefloor”.

2012 my TV show got cancelled. During 2015, I shut down my magazine and stopped hosting events. I’m now a tastemaker for Canada’s electronic dance music scene (EDMS). I write about music and interview DJs for another online music online magazine, I write about empowerment and pop culture for The Gay Guide Network, and I will once again be hosting Pride Toronto’s Bud Light Dirty Disco stage for the seventh consecutive year.

The Tyrant as I like to call her is a damaged serpent.

The Tyrant as I like to call her is a damaged serpent and she likes to patiently hover over my shoulder waiting for the right time to pounce. She waits for when I am alone.

My Tyrant is a deviant slithering poisonous snake flicking her tongue to taste my anxiety in the air. She makes it her mission to slither upon me when I am alone with no one around, and delicately wraps her tight, firm and forceful body around my chest and neck and whispers in my ear how much I suck, how awful I look, how I didn’t ask the right questions during my show, that my written words were written poorly and no one will read what I wrote. After 10 years of being in the public eye, my Tyrant has now gained the force to make me feel uncomfortable meeting my followers because she tells me they will think I am fat, I am ugly; I’m not doing a good job.

It took me two years to unleash publicly my battle with mental illness on my blog on thegayguidenetwork.com. I was booked as a guest on The Shaun Proulx Show on SiriusXM which I have been a guest on many times before but this time was different. I cancelled my first taping due to my anxious Tyrant. The second booking I brought a friend to ensure I would show up and show the Tyrant whose boss. I sat in the hot seat and I completed the interview successfully without any anxious breaths.

It’s about me and my deep dark secret.

When it comes to GAD and Depression I have my good days and I have my bad. I have learned to go with the flow. I have never had a problem being in the public eye writing about others, but writing about me is uncomfortable because the topic isn’t about music, a DJ, being an MC announcing other people. It’s about me and my deep dark secret. Therefore, it’s real and extremely scary!

My Tyrant likes it when I’m at my most vulnerable when I am alone, when the sun isn’t shining, when I don’t go to the gym, when my dog is with his father (I have co-custody of my puppy). My Tyrant, this poisonous snake likes to sneak up on me and strangle me with her venom until I feel I can’t carry on.

My anxiety didn’t decide to rear its ugly head until around 2004-2006 when I entered the world of TV, nightclubs, money, drugs and fame. This lifestyle can cause anyone anxiety but I feel it brought out what was already deeply rooted within my core.

My father was a brute. He abused me as a child physically and emotionally. I was never skinny enough, smart enough, successful enough, pretty enough, he was a commercial fashion photographer after all. I grew up being on set with tall, thin, beautiful models and here I was short with hips and a bust something the fashion world does not accept. Therefore, I was not acknowledged by him or the industry.

I have grown to understand how my Tyrant works.

Interestingly enough throughout my teens to my early 20s, I had this inner strength which I contribute to my mother, grandmother, and uncle to move forward and strive for what I wanted in life. Even with the young Tyrant quietly whispering in my ear I pushed her aside to succeed.

Over the past year, I have grown to understand how my Tyrant works and the triggers that will make her manipulate me and squeeze all my juice out like a twisted sponge. I’m on to her and sense her sly presence within me. I am growing stronger for I am learning how to settle the Tyrant down with my own strength. No, it’s not easy, and I don’t win every battle, but I am conquering her one anxious day at a time.

I am comfortable within my skin to now to tell people I am sick not weak.