The strength I have in me

In early 2011, I was starting to feel burnt out at my office job. Stressed and tired, I made a decision to change careers. I left my 9-5 desk job for a job in the physical fitness field. The job fit with my desire to help others and maintain my own fitness, so it seemed like the perfect fit.

The first couple of months of transitioning into a new field were hard, trying to balance it with being a single mom. I was not able to be home as much as I wanted for my teenage daughter. Thanks to my parents living nearby, I was able to finally get a schedule down and we were able to make it work.

I was at a loss for words, with no idea of how to help her.

Over the next few months, her struggle with body issues became front and centre. I was working in a field that promoted “healthy bodies” and a healthy lifestyle. She has always been a bigger girl. All of her friends were “skinny.” She was tearful and struggling, asking me why she didn’t look like me. She didn’t think she was worth anything. I was at a loss for words, with no idea of how to help her.

The small buffer of money I had put away to help me financially transition to the new job just flew out of my hands like it was on fire. I still had bills to pay, and I was getting behind. REALLY BEHIND.

On top of all of this, my father was having various health issues.

By this point at work, I was a zombie.

It was like I was watching a really bad movie of my life that I COULD NOT TURN OFF.

I was removed from my life, my job. Forgetting times I had clients. Forgetting their programs. Crying at the drop of a hat and sometimes breaking down out in the open. I hurt physically.

That I should just admit what a failure I was.

I was yelling at my daughter, my family, and started to sink deeper into myself. I was listening to the voice that was telling me I wasn’t good enough to do anything. That I should just admit what a failure I was. What a horrible mother I was being to my daughter.

I wondered if anyone was seeing this or was I in this bad movie by myself?

I finally admitted to myself that I needed to see my doctor one morning at work.

I made an appointment for that afternoon.

I sat in her waiting room. Panic stricken. Not wanting to look at anyone around me and trying to keep my body in that chair.

She called me into her office.

I sat down. She sat down in front of me, and she asked me how I was.

I cried. Sobbed actually. I was just shaking.

She said “You’re done. You are not going back to work. I am writing you a note to take to EI first thing in the morning. I’ve watched you go through so much in your life and bounce back, but now, now you need time and help. I am going to help you, and it’s going to be okay.”

She gave me guidance on how to get through the next 24 hours. We spoke about my diagnosis (clinical depression), and medication. She gave me resources and told me she was a phone call away if I needed anything. “But now”, she said, “It’s time for you to take care of you”.

That appointment, those words, changed my life forever.

Knowing that I suffered from an illness, something that could be treated, it was like a weight being lifted off my body.

Sometimes, I would physically shake when I had to go outside.

It took a while to adjust to my medication and to feel comfortable around people. Sometimes, I would physically shake when I had to go outside. With my doctor’s help and help from my family, I was able to find myself again. Eventually, I returned to my 9-5 job, my running, and my life.

I am open and honest about my depression. It is a part of me. I choose to see my illness as something that helps me focus on what is important.

I use humour (a lot) to get through, and sometimes explain, the bad days. I am currently off of my “full time” medication, but not afraid to admit if and when I may need it.

Because of my breakdown, I now know the amount of strength I have in me. It’s what I dig deep for when I feel hopeless.