Finding my people

I was 16 years old in 1991 when I was diagnosed and began taking my first antidepressants. For many years, only my inner circle of family and friends had any idea.

Fast-forward 8 years and I had moved to a different province, gotten married, had a baby and was pregnant with another. I was also struggling, badly. My first hospitalizations happened around this time. My in-laws, neighbors and even a women’s sorority group I attended were all unaware of just how bad things were.

I was 6 months pregnant and coming out of at least 3 months spent hiding in my bedroom when I began what I now see was a transformational 8 week inpatient treatment program. The program offered a ton of educational information and I learned strategies for living with depression, many that I still use today. That wasn’t the transformational part though.

 I had found ‘my people’.

During my treatment, I met dozens of other people who were just like me. These folks had similar dark thoughts and experiences. What’s more, they all looked perfectly normal to me. I realized through that experience that I wasn’t alone. I had found ‘my people’.

I came to realize that the longer I hid who I really was, the more I was starting to believe that the sick, depressed part of me was wrong and ugly and unacceptable. I decided to come out.

I’d rather people love me for who I am instead of who I pretend to be.

On a weekend pass from the treatment center, I sat and talked with a couple neighbours. I also told the ladies in my sorority group. It was hard. The response was not what I had expected. People started talking and relating stories about their own struggles or struggles of friends and family members. I was shocked at how many people could relate to what I was going through.

I refuse to hide anymore. I’d rather people love me for who I am instead of who I pretend to be. I won’t lie and say that everyone has a wonderful, shiny attitude about it. Through the years I’ve faced my share of stigma and rejection and it hurts like hell. I think the reason I stay genuine is that it helps me find ‘my people’ and in those people I find strength and support. If we all continue to hide, we make it harder to find each other and come together.

There is strength in numbers. There can also be support, acceptance and understanding.