Fight or flight

In March of 1985, I was 8 years old and in the 3^rd grade. I could remember sitting in class and feeling nervous, my heart rate increased and I thought I was going to be sick. I raced to the washroom where the feeling suddenly lessened. That was my body’s first “fight or flight” response to anxiety. I just didn’t know it then. This “feeling” happened off and on for the remainder of that school year and re-appeared in high school. In the 11^th grade, I could remember mapping out the nearest washroom in case I needed “an out”.

The unreasonable fear was winning.

After high school as I was faced with real decisions about my life, the anxiety became worse and I began to understand what was wrong with me. At that time, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and agoraphobia. I watched my best friends move on to complete their post secondary studies and I couldn’t stick with it. The unreasonable fear was winning and I started to feel left behind. After a few years or trying different medications, I finally landed on Paxil which sanded off the sharp edges to a point that I could start to take my life back.

At 22, I began seeing a psychotherapist who taught me how to relax through self-hypnosis. Within a year, I had overcome the black cloud, moved and went to back to school. I wasn’t cured…but I learned how to live with my illness. At 23, I took my first flight to visit one of my best friends growing up. We rode the subway, navigated the streets of the big city and did things I never imagined I’d physically be able to do. I finally graduated from school and began my career.

The battle inside my mind is ongoing.

In the following years, I got married and had two kids. Eventually, the marriage fell apart and I found myself a divorced single father with what felt like an uphill battle with someone I couldn’t communicate with. I met a girl and the new life I was trying to carve out became complicated again. When that new relationship ended, I was at my lowest. Depression had sunken in and I did everything I could not to let my boys recognize that in me. The battle inside my mind is ongoing…but with counselling and medication, I soon found myself back on solid ground. A side effect of the battle was my co-workers not understanding my situation at all (which only made it worse in my mind.)

So that brings me to today. One of my biggest fears is actually becoming my reality. My oldest son carries the same type of “nervous energy” as I do. I’ve seen him feel uncomfortable in his skin without knowing how to express it. We’ve had many talks about how I understand how he’s feeling and that he can lean on me when he’s feeling anxious. I’m thankful for my experience today and hope that he’ll manage much better than I did.

Anxiety is the uninvited guest who shows up unannounced. The internal struggle is real…but it requires understanding. The journey is no longer my own. It’s now my life’s mission to be sure my son doesn’t ever feel crippled by a thought process like I was. The story continues…but I’m hopeful that everything will be ok…because it will.