To feel normal again

It shouldn’t be this way.

At 42, I shouldn’t have to rely on taking pills every day for the rest of my life to help me feel normal. But I do. The hardest thing for me to admit was that I couldn’t beat depression on my own. I honestly thought I could. I was currently taking an antidepressant that had been prescribed by my doctor, and after a few years of being on them and dealing with the side effects, I decided that I wanted to get off. This wasn’t the first time I had gone off of medication. I had been on and off meds to treat my depression, anxiety, and OCD for a long time. So I visited my doctor and we came up with a plan. I was to go through a few months of therapy sessions to help give me the tools I needed to kick the pills for good. Along with therapy, I would begin slowly weaning myself off the meds and finally, be free. Free of the side effects and free of not feeling like me anymore. Everything went to plan and I was feeling great. Therapy was a definite help in understanding some of the root causes of my depression and OCD and I was left with mental exercises to do to keep on top of things.

I would always get the feeling that something bad was going to happen

Feeling good only lasted for a few months before the bad thoughts started to creep back into my mind. I would always get the feeling that something bad was going to happen either to my family or myself. On top of this, I began to lose focus on daily tasks. I described my ability to focus on things to be like throwing a handful of marbles on the floor and trying to watch each one at the same time. My mind was all over the place.

My “time” OCD came back not much later. Every movement I did was based on the time it would take and when I should be doing something. My morning routine was done down to the minute. I would leave the house at the exact same time every day. I would need to pass a certain road on my way to work at the same time every day. If I didn’t, I would need to find a way to make up that time which would bring on added stress and anxiety. What would happen if I didn’t get there in time? What would people say? I can’t let anyone down and have them disappointed with me.

I was starting to feel like my family would be better off.

The worst part was when the anger returned. I became very quick to anger over the smallest things. Sometimes I just woke up angry and it would last all day making it unbearable for my family. My family suffered the most. My wife and kids didn’t even want to talk to me either out of fear that I would get mad or just that I was being completely miserable and wanted nothing to do with anyone. Total breakdowns were also starting to happen. This would usually happen when my wife tried to talk to me about my depression. I would find myself in a heap on the floor in denial, feeling like I would be better off dead. I was starting to feel like my family would be better off if I was gone as well. I was becoming a burden on them. I could see it all happening like an out of body experience.

I wanted it to stop, but I couldn’t make it stop.

Finally, when I was ready to give up on my family and myself, my wife broke through and made me realize what I needed to do. I made an appointment the next day to see my doctor and see about taking meds again. I took my wife with me so I couldn’t tell the doctor that I was fine. I always told everyone that I was either fine or good no matter how I was feeling. Having her there to explain how my behaviour was helped the doctor assess me and select the right medication. The realization was that I would be on medication for the rest of my life to help me battle my depression, anxiety, and OCD. I paired the medication up with exercise and the benefits have been extremely positive. Every day now I get up and work out just before I take my meds and head off to work. I still have a bad day now and then, but nothing like what I was before.

I have accepted the fact that I need help, and will need it for the rest of my life. Taking a pill every day is a small sacrifice to not only feel normal but to enjoy living.

#SickNotWeak