Termination without reason

I decided to talk to my boss. After all, we had become good friends over the years. “It will be fine,” I convinced myself. As I began to talk to her, in an effort to let her know what I was dealing with, and how it may possibly affect me professionally while in treatment, the look on her face was memorable.

Her reaction included awkward stunned silence (the kind where the other person searches for words before finally saying, “It’s so strange to get snow in May.”) Obviously the mention of any illness will provoke various reactions from people. It’s not fair to say that mental illness holds the monopoly on shock. But from first-hand experience, sharing that I’ve had to take sick days due to increased anxiety – this was received far differently than when I’ve mentioned I had the flu. Talking antidepressants had my boss looking for the closest exit sign, whereas the mention of my blood pressure medication was always an opener for a discussion on the topic.

Stigma is reality.

In the days following our conversation, I noticed a distinct change. When my boss invited my wife for coffee to discuss her concerns that I could not handle the pressures of my job, it hit me. Stigma is reality. I had been a top performer for years and suddenly, “I couldn’t handle the pressures of the job.” Reality is… As I was dealing with my illness, my work did suffer at times. I took more time off in one year than I had taken in the previous ten years combined. Not wanting to ruminate about her concerns, I discussed this with my boss. During our conversation I was “encouraged” to take a leave. From that point on, the only correspondence I had was through the insurance provider. No one from the company reached out – not my boss, her boss, or colleagues. The only people who reached out were clients, and that meant a lot.

When I returned to work, I was met by my boss and a member of HR. While I was off, there was “corporate restructuring” and unfortunately they no longer required my services (after eleven years). I was given a package that stated “termination without reason.” Remaining diplomatic, I asked if that meant there was not going to be a replacement for me. The answer… “We can’t say at this time.”

There is so much more to my OCD, depression, and anxiety.

Illness of any kind is difficult, but saying you have a physical ailment is acceptable. Saying you have a mental illness is still unacceptable to the point where society has glossed over the word “illness” and made it less devastating by referring to it “mental health awareness.” We cannot begin to overcome the fear of the existence of psychological disorders until we stop brushing over it with words meant to provide reassurance that mental illness is nothing more than disorders made up by a group of people who only really like to have their shoes lined up just so in the front hall. There is so much more to my OCD, depression, and anxiety, than how they are represented. My illness tears at my soul every day of my life.

I still need to talk and I am still committed to fighting my illness. Unfortunately, however, the stigma surrounding mental illness is still alive and well. All the things that I feared employers would think – weakness, unpredictable, undependable– are, in many cases, still a reality. And I understand it. As I went through therapy, I did become less dependable. As I spoke to colleagues, I did become weaker in their eyes (it’s hard to fight human nature). I stigmatized myself for years. How can I expect others to not stigmatize mental illness, when I’m guilty of it too?

People with depression are some of the best liars you’ll ever meet.

After all I know the person the world sees is overwhelmed by sadness when the lights go out. And I know the reason I can’t go out tonight is that I’ve already had a few drinks (the one thing that shuts off my brain). People with depression are some of the best liars you’ll ever meet. How else can we avoid stigma?

At times, I think I should feel grateful that mental illness has made it to mainstream consciousness. But, honestly, those of us who have a mental illness or know someone close to us who does, appear to be the only ones truly ready to talk.