Reaching toward the light

Depression was the darkness that controlled my life up the point that I had enough. I finally put my fists down on the table and thought to myself that this is no way to live my life. Living a life in fear, guilt, shame, emptiness, and a sense of loss. So what does Depression feel like? It’s a numbing sensation, you feel as though you are engulfed in darkness and there is a light in the darkness. The light never fades, it’s always there and as you reach out time and time again you are pulled back into the darkness.

I was always told it was just a phase I was going through when I knew differently.

No matter how hard you try to escape the darkness, it holds you back like it’s chaining you down on a bed or the floor. I had to be strong enough and break free of those chains and fight through the darkness to make it to the light. It tries to suck you back in and sometimes it’s successful but other times you are able escape its grasp. My will power is much stronger but sometimes the way I was feeling was too much. Hiding deep in the back of your mind and it can strike at any point. That is how I feel what Depression was like for me.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with anxiety, body image issues, depression, and other aspects of Mental Health. Growing up as the youngest was fun at times but sometimes it was difficult because people didn’t take my opinions or thoughts seriously. I was always told it was just a phase I was going through when I knew differently. I knew the thoughts that I was having weren’t normal but I was forced to bury them and not speak of them unless I was asked. Sometimes burying those thoughts caused me to worry about them manifesting into something bigger but the worries usually faded. I knew I was just silly and thinking about things too much like I usually do.

Had I known what Depression was when I was younger? No I didn’t. Would my life be different if I had known? We’ll never know. I was the quiet, shy, silent child that wouldn’t speak unless spoken to and always obeyed the rules. I wasn’t much of a rule breaker. I got made fun of by my siblings for this but it was better to follow the rules than cause havoc, which I hated.

So when did the Depression start? Soon after I discovered my parents were divorcing, and going their separate ways. I was dumbfounded, upset, numb, and didn’t want anything to do with anyone for a while. I thought my parents were the picture perfect ideal for a marriage but that’s not what they truly were. In reality, they disliked each other, always argued, belittled each other, and it was more than apparent that something needed to change before things manifested to the where they could no longer be fixed. I wanted it to be fixed. But, we don’t get everything we want.

Most people love sleep, I on the other hand hated it.

This is the beginning of my journey to the light…

Depression is always there, hiding in the shadows waiting to sink back into my life. But, I won’t let it. I think back on the days where the Depression was the worst. The days I would spend crying over nothing, the days I would spend sleeping, the days I would spend consumed with guilt, numbness, shame, paralyzed me with thoughts that would haunt me. Most people love sleep, I on the other hand hated it. That’s when the worst came out, the demons came out of their shadows in my mind and I was basically a prisoner of my own mind. When Depression was at its worst, I often wondered if it was really worth it. Why am I still here? Does it get better? That’s what people said.

That’s when I knew I had to change. I knew I couldn’t do this to my parents, friends, and community. The light at the end of the tunnel grew bigger and brighter with every step I took. It wasn’t easy but I knew that each step would make a difference in my life. I no longer wanted to live in a world of fear, shame, guilt, numbness, and letting take Depression control of my life.

I am a survivor.

I would take the reins and take control of my life one step at a time. That was 2005 and it’s now 2016 and I am a fighter, survivor, and a warrior. My struggles with Mental Illness especially Depression made me stronger than I ever thought. I am a Mental Health advocate because I’ve been there and I know how hard it is to keep hanging on when things are tough. Tough times make tough people and that is a motto that I live by. I am now an advocate for Mental Health because of how it’s affected my life and others. I want to be a voice for those who can’t speak for themselves. I want to end the stigma. Depression, Anxiety, and Panic Disorder don’t define me as a person. They are a part of me but I refuse to let them take control of my life. I am a survivor.