I am who I am

I have been affected by mental health issues from a pretty young age. I had a pretty rough childhood and grew up way too fast for my own good. As an abuse survivor, I started in therapy at 8 years old and was diagnosed with depression at 14.

I struggled to adjust to the medication something wasn’t clicking for me. I had lost the ability to recognize my emotions. When asked what was wrong or how I was feeling, all of my “I don’t know” answers lead to many fights. But I really didn’t know, it was like I lost the ability to identify things like anxiety or stress or anger. I couldn’t tell you why I was feeling terrible, just that I was. I knew Mom loved me but as a single parent with her own mental health and addiction issues, she didn’t have a clue how to cope. At this point in my life I was cutting myself regularly and had 3 suicide attempts with medications or cutting.

I was extremely lucky to have the team behind me that I did

By 19, I was maturing, appreciated my ok days and reflected more on myself. I was in a new province with a new medical team and was finally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders.

I was able to explain more of my emotions and what was happening in my head. My doctor started working on medicine combinations for me and I had counselling twice a week for the first year or so. At one point my panic attacks had become debilitating and I was voluntarily admitted to the hospital for 12 days. I was extremely lucky to have the team behind me that I did; every day I see the struggle of people trying to find some help because of the lack of resources in this country. The doors opened for me and I ran for the help I was offered. I still dealt with extreme highs and lows and was often unable to control my impulses. I was partying pretty hard and making some really stupid decisions. In one manic episode that spanned about 2 weeks, I decided to quit my job and move across the country back home to the east coast.

I’ve hit some roadblocks along the way.

I just turned 33 and it’s been a long road since my diagnosis. I found the right drug combination to treat both my bipolar and anxiety and have been on them for eight years. I still check in with my family doctor to regulate things and have used my EAP (Employee Assistance Program) many times to get help and resources. I’m also very open and honest with my bosses and HR team at work and have been very lucky to have been supported in my efforts to stay well. I’ve hit some roadblocks along the way. I was on sick leave for a few months during a period of fast cycling through mania and depression and spent a summer unable to go to the grocery store because of my anxiety.

In the last few years I finally feel like things are coming together. I still have bad days (and really bad days) but I’m able to recognize them quicker or know when I should hold off on making big decisions. Sometimes I still cancel plans with friends at the last minute. I have to keep a really close eye on my stress level; even exciting things happening can make me spin out of control. When I lost my Mom five years ago I immediately sought help to make sure I didn’t veer too far off course. My amazing group of friends (online included!) have also been crucial to my mental and physical wellness. I took the Mental Health First Aid course at work and joined our wellness team as their mental health resource. I even recently became an East Coast Ambassador for SickNotWeak so I can start reaching out and helping others!

I always try to keep two things in my head to keep me on track and thankful for the woman I’ve become:

1. I’m strong, confident and funny and I am the person I am today because of my mental illness and my life experiences.
2. I will never give up. It was such a long road to wellness but my god it’s worth it, even on my bad days.

And now, I have a third! I’m sick, not weak.