Boom and Bust

Mania is wild, excessive, frustrating, irritating, and irrational.  I don’t get full blown mania, I get what’s called hypomania.  It’s a milder form. When this happens, I’m pretty revved up.  I feel on top of the world and believe I can do anything.  Anything. Like I could fly a plane-just give me a few minutes with the manual and I’ll be all set.  I’m more confident when talking to people and I have a million things on the go at once.  I barely sleep because I become so obsessed with doing things. I drive other people nuts because I expect them to keep up with me.

On the surface, hypomania may not seem so bad.  It starts off looking like a really busy confident person, but it evolves into a person who is spinning out of control.  No.  Not spinning, more like driving a car too fast.  The engine roaring, going faster and faster, you take crazy turns and cut people off.  With hypomania, you can’t slow down.  You take on more and more.  You do things you would never normally do, risky things.  Things you’ll really regret later.

When I’m hypomanic I don’t know it’s happening.  My husband sees it and tells me to slow down, to get some sleep.  It’s not until later, in reflection that I realize, wow, I was really operating beyond all my limits.

The other problem with being hypomanic is that this grand sense of self doesn’t last very long.  It’s like a balloon being over inflated-life goes from a full, lively balloon to a tattered bit of plastic when it bursts.  When that happens, I fall into deep depression, which, well, really sucks.

I don’t know what triggers it and the early warning signs are easily missed

The highs don’t happen with the same frequency as the lows.  I get depressed far more frequently than I get hypomanic.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it happening, at least not for me.  I don’t know what triggers it and the early warning signs are easily missed.  I depend on the people closest to me to let me know when things are changing and help keep me safe and from doing anything too crazy.

Today I’m recovering from an extremely major, life altering depression and yes, I was hypomanic before.  It’s been three long – freaking long – years.  I lost my job, I lost friends, and I almost lost my life.  Recovery has been slow.  Recently I started to volunteer, take on some projects at home and am trying rebuild my life.  I’m repairing the damaged relationships with my family.  Some days are easier than others, and overall, things are getting better.  I have hope again.