OCD and my mind

OCD is like a constant voice and thought in your head making you think and believe that you are a terrible person. It makes you think the worst about yourself, it affects your self-respect, dignity, and self-worth.

You often wonder what society, others in your circle and around you would think if they were to find out the thoughts in your head. Will they call the police? Feel uncomfortable? Want to stay away?

When they say that these are unwanted thoughts, this is very much true.

You start to feel guilty, bad, uncomfortable — you honestly start to question your own morals, values, and ethics. You feel upset when you pretend like you do not have these thoughts and behaviours and sit there and wonder how you can be a part of a group.

You are constantly trying to hide it and make sure no one finds out. Maybe because you’re scared to lose your freedom, or that you might be locked up in a mental facility under the mental health act or in jail, trying to explain that you’re not a horrible criminal.

You hope and pray that they will believe you when you say you are not a criminal or not guilty because of the disturbing nature of the thoughts a person with OCD has.

I have said this already multiple times but it is a horrible feeling and like they say, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, because it can be a nightmare.

When joining Facebook groups for OCD, the constant thing I hear is, either, I am being supported or not. The pain and suffering OCD sufferers face and have to deal with is hard, especially the loneliness that comes with mental illness, especially when not understood.

I didn’t deserve to be free.

It’s a very hard concept to accept, deal, process, and understand. If you’re trying to make someone with OCD more comfortable, say these are just thoughts and that they do not define who you are.

At one point, I really struggled to leave the house or my parents care for about 15 months because I think I thought I was a creep and that I didn’t deserve to be free.

My past with OCD is horrible, and it’s still a bit of a struggle but not as much anymore or it’s in a different way.

It can affect all areas of a person’s life. I know I am not alone but it’s not something that people really openly talk about.

But I am not blaming anyone here.

It can make you really sad, desperate and miserable, want to sleep a lot, not leave the house, not eat or sleep at night.

I regret past decisions like leaving university after 10 weeks in 2015 and last year coming back from Sydney after spending a few months there. I have lost a lot of family and friends over the years that I do miss from time to time. But I am not blaming anyone here.

I do regret not having a qualification after high school and stuff but there are times like last year where I was living in Sydney and would struggle to leave my unit/apartment.

I also have struggled with anxiety, depression, social anxiety and now looking at the possible diagnosis of tourette’s (which could possibly be worsened by anxiety and/or stress). As they say, there is a lot you don’t know about a person, so don’t judge a book by its cover.

When I left school I wanted a career helping people but then because of anxiety and OCD, I decided I wanted to focus on a career in business. But my OCD made me think that I couldn’t get a good police check to be able to work people, which is always on my mind and makes me feel bad and guilty.

There are certain times I feel uncomfortable and uneasy around people because of the nature of my thoughts (I don’t feel comfortable discussing in full detail). When I go for walks, I try to avoid people and walk around them because I fear what they are thinking or who I am or what OCD makes me think and believe.

It can play tricks on a person’s mind.

I do not feel comfortable watching the news, some TV shows, or articles and stories written about issues like violence, abuse, assault and crime.

Sometimes my OCD leaves me trying to figure out and understand the difference between me and a criminal and I don’t know what part of it is just my OCD — it can play tricks on a person’s mind.

You probably know by now what I am going to be wishing for my next birthday, I could tell you but as they say then it won’t come true.

But I just like to write what I think about on the spot, or as I am writing, what comes to mind to make sure it’s only my personal experience and story that I’m sharing.

Don’t be alarmed or scared — be educated and let’s break the stigma. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed if you have OCD.

Thank you for letting me show you a part of my world in this story — see you next time for my next story time.