Sometimes I leave, but I always come back

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Disclaimer: SickNotWeak does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.

My name is Coconut Heels. At various times, I visit this wondrous, bizarre, vibrant and frightening place. You may have visited as well. That place where the path veers and presents a third (or fourth, fifth or even perhaps a sixth) option somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness.

My passport of sorts contains pages of stamps from these visits. Some are simply and plainly labeled audio or visual but the most fascinating images somehow blend the two into captivating short films unique to my experience. 

The fear had subsided. 

In late March, I experienced a seizure, was found to be malnourished and also experienced a series of seven hallucinations. Once in the past, I experienced more within one sequence (twelve) but none have ever bombarded me with such severity. I felt threatened from familiar yet at once menacing figures and forces. Imagine talking to two people from your life while they hide under a bed or carrying on a phone conversation and abruptly hanging up yet continuing to hear the other people speak before realizing you were never on the phone in the first place and heard these venomous comments that were never actually spoken.

This was all part of a much larger exchange that ended with a seemingly genuine apology. After walking outside and looking back in the hopes of seeing that the two individuals came out from under the bed and were finally leaving, all I could do was breathe a sense of relief. The fear had subsided. 

To those familiar with “Inception,” when I come out of my experiences, I follow them with a process that functions similarly as the totems employed by various characters in that film. In my case, it is not a physical object but a mental debriefing that helps me to determine in what way I should talk myself down and realize what just happened. 

One of the major things I have noticed is that unlike dreams, I rarely forget these hallucinations. Soon after the seven, I laid out several of the logistical factors to remind myself that certain occurrences defied various laws of the universe. Granted, my existence resides on multiple planes. It may have required repetitions but even in my horrified state, what had just transpired no longer felt possible. Yet, at times it is difficult to escape. 

I rarely forget these hallucinations.

After years and even decades of keeping this to myself, I began to see not only the value of sharing but more importantly, a duty to others (especially all of those whose existence escapes the expected- yay for alliteration). Life presents wonder and magic on its known. Some of us are just the lucky ones who color outside of the lines while seeing, considering, imagining and living the abstract. We see colors that lack names. We hear the notes between the notes. And, we awaken each day refusing to adhere to the assigned meanings of words. 

We are not this and we are not that. Instead, we feel this and we feel that. 

Full disclosure, I am hardly this positive each day but transparency to me is necessary. I can struggle to feel happy, I can question the cause(s) of all this and I can wonder when something will happen next. I tend to give my support and uplifting words to others without saving much for myself. 

We are not this and we are not that.

My story is of a man who often does not appear at his best, behave his best or treat himself the best. It also tells of a man who loves and feels deeply, works to improve himself, is finally willing to accept and express how sensitive he is, sees himself for the man he is and reminds others how much they matter and how much he loves them.

My name is Coconut Heels.

I matter. I am important. Sometimes I leave, but I always come back. 

How did this story make you feel?

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