What if

Guest Author: Alyssia

This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.

“What If” – two of the most dangerous words for a person with anxiety. ( — Landsberg)

Because those words, like liquor to the alcoholic, won’t let her maintain her sobriety.
But in her case, a state of mind, opposite of society.
Wears her mask to fit in; propriety,
But the truth is, she can’t calm her overanalyzing, quietly,
Her mind is over active, there’s no denying it.
Yet she’s still so hopeful and perseverant, continually striving,
Because she knows her happiness is worth fighting for.

“What if I fail?” is silently whispered.
And the thoughts then spiral, negativity triggered.
Worse case scenario, is her only thought,
She’s focused on one in a million, common sense? She cannot.
Because “a lump on my neck, well, I must have cancer” –
Rule out all good, positivity transferred.
It can’t be poor sleep if it’s this advanced Sir,
I’m an armchair doctor but I’m praying for answers.

And “what if, I never accomplish my dream?” –
I’ve made some mistakes and they feel so extreme.
“You’re never going to succeed” is whispered to her silently,
But she is resilient and will one day, celebrate triumphantly.
She battles the index, it’s so obscene,
There’s positive and negative but no in-between.
There’s best case scenario, and worst of course,
But she’s always pulling death grips of negativity that seem to surround her first.
It’s takes a conscious effort to be optimistic
And if she’s not on top of it, she’s quickly pessimistic.
Dodging unsupportive family like paintballs in a field,
Their true characters clearly revealed.
Sweet face to face, but authentic at their own meals,
Only problem for them is their words have no shield.
They are transpired to her from people at the table,
And so, she just giggles at their ridiculous little fable.
Why be pretend? Don’t fake your support,
She doesn’t need your validation, she has her cohort.
Anxious thoughts or not, your words don’t matter,
And when she’s feeling positive again, that glass roof will be shattered.
Because “what if I succeed?” is what she tells herself,
And your negativity, is catching dust like your photos on her shelf.
So similar to the phrase learned when young,
Nothing nice to say, then just bite your tongue.
She doesn’t need negativity, her anxious thoughts do that on their own,
So if that’s all you have, she’d rather spend holidays alone.

But back on track, “what if” causes damage,
Her mind rolling for days, unintended collateral damage,
Or so it feels when her thoughts are on rampage
Until she can put her mind at ease, with a temporary bandage.
Deep breathing, writing or fitness routines,
Healthy coping you’ll never find in movie scenes.
Her self-awareness is extreme,
Or “cheesy” as others sometimes perceive.
But she knows better than to reach for the bottle,
She saw how alcohol destroys families, especially when combined with pushing the throttle.
So, she refuses to drink when she’s upset,
Beverages only consumed when she’s feeling happiest;
A social drink or due to a celebration,
But never after a bad day at work or when a loved one goes to heaven.
In those moments, she’d rather be present
So, she chooses talking instead because bad moments need processing.

February 2, 2020

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