Mar 4, 2020
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Stockholm Syndrome — that condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors during captivity.
I believe I have developed the mental health equivalent with my captor, PTSD/Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).
I can’t figure out why I get somewhat overprotective of my PTSD/MDD as if it’s something I cherish like a close and long lasting childhood friendship.
I can’t figure out why there are times I don’t want to recover from it, and there are times that the thought of recovery actually scares me. I have to wonder if there have been times I have unconsciously sabotaged my own efforts at recovery or held back, even the slightest, at giving it my all towards recovery.
It is a part of me.
I have had PTSD/MDD for so long that it has become part of who I am, it is part of me, it has defined and been the reason why I have done some of the things I have done, and why I have some of the behaviours I have. It has been my captor and held me hostage taking away from me my sense of safety, of calmness and freedom of thought replacing those with fear of the past, anxiety about the future and the ever present cognitive distortions and self-doubt.
My PTSD/MDD has become as much part of who I am as my genetics have made me a male, given me blue eyes and brown hair and made me grow to 6 feet (two meters) in height. My PTSD/MDD is no different then the many scars I have accumulated over a life well lived and wraps and encapsulates my very essence no different then my very own skin. My PTSD/MDD is me!
My PTSD/MDD is me!
I can’t figure out why it is that I feel this way about something that has been so problematic for me and something that has lead me to dark places and has added so many unbelievable challenges, pain and self-doubt to my life.
It can only be because I have developed some strange, hard to understand and comprehend allegiance with the captor holding me hostage, my PTSD/MDD.
I truly look forward to the day when my captor, my PTSD/MDD, no longer has domain over me!