Sep 11, 2019
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
Wtf is wrong with me?
I have been awake for days with grandiose ideas of starting a business: drawing a logo, building a website and actually filing the paperwork — I am going to make this happen.
While I am at it, I decide I should garden (I don’t garden but spend $850 on planters regardless).
BANG the depression hits me.
I am talkative, I think I am funny and have energy to burn. My wife noticed me not sleeping and working on obscure projects and it is decided I should see a Dr.
A few sleeping pills later and I am rested, but all of a sudden BANG the depression hits me.
Depression has knocked me to the bottom of the barrel day after day. Despite similarities to regular depression, bi polar depression may accompany mood swings with irritability and guilt. It seems to suck every inch of life out of me with the only initiative to sleep. My goal is to accomplish one thing on these days; it could be a shower or get the mail, but it is one task.
Sometimes I will have four or five panic attacks in a day. These attacks feel like someone has jumped on your back and put a noose around your neck. Although a panic attack only lasts minutes, killing myself seems the only way out. The attacks, although short in nature, are long enough to kill yourself. I sustain the pain long enough to see my family another day. A safety plan has been developed to protect myself in times of need.
It is a living nightmare.
Cutting myself becomes a habit and the most haunting thoughts of death and suicidal ideation rattle through my mind constantly. It is a living nightmare. The cutting seems to offer relief to all my problems which seem insurmountable at the time When I have the the blade in my hand all problems disappear and I can relax. When I cut it is like a high, all problems disappear and I feel great. The greatest reward for me is seeing blood run down my leg, I know I have succeeded, I feel energized and it is just what I needed to pull me out of a slump.
You never know what bipolar has to offer day by day. Rest assured it will bring you to your knees with the torment it will provide. If I can offer one piece of advice, have someone to confide in to talk about this beast. My wife and brother have become my best friends through this and have talked me down several times.
I am still at the bottom off the barrel with my cocktail of meds but I have my wife and brother to get me through it.
Be safe all.