Menu
My living nightmare

My living nightmare

Guest Author: Brent

This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.

Wtf is wrong with me?

I have been awake for days with grandiose ideas of starting a business: drawing a logo, building a website and actually filing the paperwork — I am going to make this happen.

While I am at it, I decide I should garden (I don’t garden but spend $850 on planters regardless).

BANG the depression hits me.

I am talkative, I think I am funny and have energy to burn. My wife noticed me not sleeping and working on obscure projects and it is decided I should see a Dr.

A few sleeping pills later and I am rested, but all of a sudden BANG the depression hits me.

Depression has knocked me to the bottom of the barrel day after day. Despite similarities to regular depression, bi polar depression may accompany mood swings with irritability and guilt. It seems to suck every inch of life out of me with the only initiative to sleep. My goal is to accomplish one thing on these days; it could be a shower or get the mail, but it is one task.

Sometimes I will have four or five panic attacks in a day. These attacks feel like someone has jumped on your back and put a noose around your neck. Although a panic attack only lasts minutes, killing myself seems the only way out. The attacks, although short in nature, are long enough to kill yourself. I sustain the pain long enough to see my family another day. A safety plan has been developed to protect myself in times of need.

It is a living nightmare.

Cutting myself becomes a habit and the most haunting thoughts of death and suicidal ideation rattle through my mind constantly. It is a living nightmare. The cutting seems to offer relief to all my problems which seem insurmountable at the time When I have the the blade in my hand all problems disappear and I can relax. When I cut it is like a high, all problems disappear and I feel great. The greatest reward for me is seeing blood run down my leg, I know I have succeeded, I feel energized and it is just what I needed to pull me out of a slump.

You never know what bipolar has to offer day by day. Rest assured it will bring you to your knees with the torment it will provide. If I can offer one piece of advice, have someone to confide in to talk about this beast. My wife and brother have become my best friends through this and have talked me down several times.

I am still at the bottom off the barrel with my cocktail of meds but I have my wife and brother to get me through it.

Be safe all.

Comments

The wife
Report

Gut-wrenching.

GM
Report

So well articulated Brent!

My love and prayers are with you and your family always!

Your GM💞

GL
Report

A province away, but just a phone call away.

Cuz
Report

Brilliantly written and heart wrenching to read. I pray the meds get sorted out and admire your courage, Brent.
Love to you and your family.

PH
Report

Think of you every day and commend your bravery for not letting this beat you down. ❤️

DL
Report

Wow. Thank you for sharing such an intimate glance into your nightmare. This is courageous and important. I love you all.

K & L
Report

Heartbreaking Brent. Think positive that one of these days they’ll find an answer for you. We think it’s great that you can share in this way. Call either of us anytime to talk or cry, as you’re always on our minds.

TP
Report

Fight the good fight because you can. Do it for you, do it for your family. You are an inspiration.

Melanie
Report

My brutha from anutha mutha, I am so sorry you struggle daily like this… I feel quite useless to you essentially, because I have zero advice or answers, but what I can do is say I’m here, day or night, a phone call away. There will be no judgement, no matter the topic. Just an ear. Luv ya.

Add Comment