Feb 13, 2019
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
September 2018: Crying and in total despair, I struggled to walk to our local hospital with my 20-year-old daughter (who was on the phone with the OPP) fearing I would take my life.
I blame the antidepressants I was on at that time, however there were a lot of unforeseen circumstances that seemed to have happened all at once. Isn’t that always the way? I had had it and kept thinking to myself, does this sh*t just happen to me?
Not my first time at this rodeo.
Depression and anxiety had wrapped its ugly tentacles around me yet again. Feeling lost and hopeless about my future (despite having three beautiful daughters) I was in the pit of gloom once again. Not my first time at this rodeo.
After spending three days in a psych ward in the hospital (I think that made me feel worse), it was recommended that I enter a program at Homewood Health Centre to learn how to deal with mental illness and provide me with coping tools (inpatient for six weeks). My meds were adjusted once again (30+ years of finding the right fit for me). Post-discharge I wait for my appointment with a new counsellor. Hasn’t happened yet…March appointment it is…Isn’t that nuts? Pardon the pun.
Who am I? A single mom in my late 50s. A victim of childhood sexual abuse and trauma who is horrible coping with stress, finances, suffered years of verbal and emotional abuse and have changed jobs (good ones, at that) on a regular basis. Currently I live in a small community where we have experienced far too many suicides to mention and yet here I was contemplating that very thing.
I cannot change my past.
My big lesson: I cannot change my past. I am a person who lives with mental illness. I can try my hardest to work on surviving today and work on the future. Thank you to my eldest daughter who sought medical help for me right away, my family doctor who listened to me and still does, with tissues at hand and leads me in the right direction for help…without judgement.
Is everything good right now? Currently I am coping and feeling good on my current medications and have been thrown many more obstacles in the recent months, BUT, I have my girls to live for and I have me to live for too!
Persistence, patience, good medications, the will to move forward and a good support system of friends are all helping me with this process.
I am not silent about my illness with depression and anxiety nor my recent diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe, for the first time in a long time, that I will be better but will never “get over it.”
It’s time to stop the silence.
We CAN make a difference if we stop the stigma associated with mental illness. It’s time to stop the silence.
Patti aka Hopeful and currently Optimistic