Dec 19, 2018
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
With every good comeback, you need a point in your life where you hit rock bottom, then you find a shovel and keep digging deeper.
The greatest comebacks are from those who have dwelled in the pit of disparity. While they dwell, they need to sit and think of reasons to get out of this hole they’ve dug themselves in.
Step one for me was coming off my medication — both for my pain and my head. It was after the fourth time I overdosed. I didn’t have a problem with street drugs, I had a problem with prescription medication. Also at the time I was going through an extreme psychosis, so I had voices telling me to take more because I forgot or just simply forgetting the next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital. Someone had found me in between two cars in the snow passed out cold.
To this day I still have an angel out there that saved my life.
To this day I still have an angel out there that saved my life. I don’t know who he is. But if I ever meet him, I would definitely like to buy him a beer. So after that experience I decided it was time to stop taking medication. It was that or die… I didn’t want to die — I still don’t want to die. No matter how dark my mind is or how evil the tricks are on me. I will still find a reason to keep smiling and letting my children know that daddy isn’t going anywhere. I saw what it did to my eldest son and I could never do that again. It was very difficult on him which causes great guilt for me.
When I first went into the hospital I was taking 80 mg x 3 plus 20 mg x 2 of Oxycontin then I took eight Percocets. Plus 40 mg of Valium a day and 30 mg of oxazepam. It was enough medication to kill a small animal that’s for sure so I was in the hospital for five weeks coming down off all of my Oxycontin medications and just starting to take my new medications and I kept my Percocets. My back is still really, really bad so I require some sort of pain relief. When I left the hospital I was on eight Percocets, one and two psychotic mood stabilizer, and something to sleep. I had issues with the way I felt– I always felt wrong like something was off so I tried to medicate and that’s what led to me falling down.
I am truly blessed to be alive! I was also able to add two more children to my family so now I have three kids. That’s a lot to live for. I digress, so after falling down four times I came off my medications without talking to my doctor and just started going to the gym. It wasn’t working at first so I stopped. This was in 2010 then and 2012 I made a New Year’s resolution to stop being overweight and get back into shape. At that time I weighed 255 lbs. At my best, I was 195 lbs with eight percent body fat. That’s pretty good!
Everybody started looking at me normal again.
I went to the gym twice a day — once in the morning once in the afternoon for six or seven days a week. I brought headphones and a playlist and I got to work. There’s something empowering about watching your body transform the way mine did. I hadn’t exercised in seven years so when I went back and started to train again, my body was shocked and my metabolism went up and the fat started to burn off and the muscle started to build up. You see going from obese man to in-shape man was very helpful to me. Everybody started looking at me normal again. I was starting to get a lot of attention from women again that help with my self-esteem.
I went back to school, I met my spouse — the mother of my two youngest kids and we went to a college prep program. Because of the brain trauma I couldn’t do math but I was able to do English. Business sales and marketing was what my intent was. I had planned on finishing school and getting into a career but at that time my spouse got pregnant and I needed more money than I was making and went back to work.
My bad days are really bad days.
The time that I got to spend in the gym, focusing on me, without negative thoughts, negative self-talk and negative voices gave me a chance to block it out. So it helped me start to turn my life around. Everything was starting to go great then I spoke about it with somebody. I spoke about my past and everything I had gone through. Within a few days my life started going back to that. I couldn’t understand it. And over the past three years, it has progressively gotten worse. I started accusing a lot of people about talking s*** behind my back. So now I go through good days and bad days. My bad days are really bad days.
I have so much to reflect on and so much to learn that I spend so much time just thinking of scenarios and ways to get out of them. I know I passed 800 words but it’s hard to condense everything. Especially when you write the way I do. Thanks for listening.
P.s.: The best part of my comeback was getting sole custody of my son back. After six years of hell with my ex, I finally got custody of my son back. November 28, 2017 was the day I got full custody.
I went from a complete mental break to being able to have my son back to raise. His grades have gone way up. I’m so proud of him. He’s truly a blessing, plus my two other kids. All three of my children are miracles