Coming back together again

I was diagnosed as a kid with A.D.D.

I was always losing focus. I also hit puberty young, so with that came the pimples. I’d say this is when anxiety crept into my life.

You see, I was teased badly for having pimples. All the standard names I got called. People at school would make fun of me behind my back. That led to the belief that people are always talking about me behind my back. I hated going to school because of the anxiety that I had.

Back in those days, anxiety in kids and teenagers wasn’t something we talked about. Mental illness was still very much taboo. As I got older the pimples cleared, I was in good shape and dating some of the most beautiful women. I was like, “wow all these very attractive women like me.”

But, I still saw that pimply face kid in the mirror. I’ve never really picked up a girl. They picked me up. I lacked confidence due to all the torment as a kid.

It was heartbreaking.

Fast forward to 2000 and that’s when my life changed forever.

In June, my girlfriend at the time lost our child. We went to find out the sex of the baby and found out the baby was dead. She had to have a DNC. It was heartbreaking.

In 1999, my mom went to the hospital for a three day treatment. She would never leave the hospital alive again. She passed away a month after I lost my baby, July 17, 2000.

I was still very much a mama’s boy. So to me, it was devastating. A month after that, a close cousin of mine passed away. It was not a very good summer. That’s when I learned I had depression. That’s when I learned forever was a myth.

That’s when I learned forever was a myth.

Fast forward to August 2008, I started entering a narcotic induced psychosis. I became an insomniac first. I couldn’t sleep. No matter what I did or what pill I was prescribed, I wouldn’t fall asleep. If I did manage to sleep I had nightmares every time. They were scary and felt so real. Then I became afraid to sleep. I was always worried someone was trying to hurt me and my family. So I started screwing closed windows, changed the locks and got a deadbolt.

I was getting very paranoid. My psychosis told me if I talk about it to anyone, they’ll have bad things happen to them. So now, I couldn’t talk to my friends because I didn’t wanna see anyone get hurt. It was terrifying. So now I was alone because I had nobody to talk to about what was going on with me.

I even started having severe panic attacks when I was around my friends. So I secluded myself even more. I was even afraid to talk my doctor, I actually still am. During my psychosis I started hearing voices. They told me I was a waste of talent. That I’m living a show and everyone is watching me and my family. I played so many scenarios that I scared myself into a complete mental breakdown. If there is a scenario as to why I got sick, chances are I’ve thought of it. That’s because, back then, the voices were relentless. I always thought people were still talking about me. I’ve never been able to get over that.

On January 1, 2012, I went through a lifestyle change and started exercising again and eating well.

It was humbling and eye opening of what true pain is.

I started very light with proper form and worked my way up. I started going five days a week. That turned into two times a day, 6 days a week. I was going through a complete transformation. I could feel myself coming back together again. I fell in love and had two more kids. I had a son from my previous relationship. So now I had three kids. My eldest came half the summer and Christmas and every other weekend.

Life was getting good until I started talking about my past. The next thing I knew, I started getting progressively worse. I was feeling paranoid again. I lost trust in people because my illness made me. The worse part is I get blamed for the things I say when I’m sick. I always feel lower for opening up.

So with that being said, I think I’ll close by saying most of what happened to me lies between the lines. I wish I could get into detail of the experience but I only had 800 words. I can say I’d never wish for anyone to go through the nightmare that I experienced. It was humbling and eye opening of what true pain is – when I lost my sanity and found  psychosis. I’ve had setbacks and have had to try and calm my life down…