September 5, 2018
Disclaimer: SickNotWeak does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
As I sit here about to write my story I start to think — how did it all happen?
I was always a normal child, funny, intelligent, active, athletic. I grew up playing soccer and hockey competitively and excelled as a student. My dad had left his homeland (Iran) to have a better future for his children. He got his PHD in England where I was born December 4th, 1986. He took me, my two older sisters and decided to move to Canada. We started in Sudbury and in 1995 moved to Montreal, QC. I had a great upbringing, but it wasn’t until I was 19 that the term “bipolar” would accurately describe me.
What goes up must come down.
I had my first major manic episode. Thirty-thousands dollars bankrupt and hospitalized and at times homeless. What goes up must come down and following this I fell into my first real clinical depression.
Holy shit, emotionally I felt defeated. I was a completely different person than who I really am. Quiet, anxious, nervous, just leaving the house created an anxiety attack. I could not comprehend why this was happening to me and my first experience with suicidal ideation began.
After this depression ended I decided I didn’t want to be in school (engineering) and dropped out to take some time off. Somehow as the cycle always continues I found myself manic again pursuing my dream of being a rapper. Made a little mix tape and abused marijuana and other drugs until yet again I was hospitalized. The mania turned into my second depression. I decided I was sick of Montreal and moved to Ontario to study global business at college. I studied while going through my second clinical depression and pushed myself to get a 3.83 GPA. I was feeling better and decided to move back to Montreal to study finance at.
First year went OK until, you guessed it, the mania came back slowly. My grades took a big hit, as yet again, I was back in the studio making music.
My mind had taken a serious hit.
I went on probation and as the mania subsided in came the slow creeping depression. I found myself depressed and on probation — with eight classes to graduate. I was feeling drained mentally and the horrible memories of what I had done while manic haunted me. My mind had taken a serious hit and while depressed we know that the brain doesn’t function at its true capacity.
Nonetheless I decided to devote my time and energy into finishing my degree. This was very difficult because I was clinically depressed and had suicidal ideation yet again. To the point I actually tried to numb myself to stay in bed with some Tylenol on a day of an exam and had to be rushed to the hospital to have wires placed up my nose and down my throat to pump my stomach. I didn’t consider it a suicide attempt although I had the thoughts but, in my mind, if I took that many I could sleep the whole day and miss my exam.
The day finally came when I walked across the stage. My dad had tears in his eyes. I took a month off and found a job as a Financial Services Rep for a reputable Canadian bank. To think seven years ago I was in a psychiatric ward and bankrupt and now I’m advising people on money. I also have all my credit back thanks to my dad helping me rebuild it.
Now wouldn’t it be such a better story if I just ended here and everything was going great? I wish. I ended up in my worst manic episode of my life yet again recording an album, spending thousands on drugs and recording time. I was also trying to pursue another dream of being a comedian. I ended up hospitalized. Ashamed that I let this happen yet again. This last episode was so bad that what it created next was one of my worst depressions which has been with me for a year and a half. I have treatment-resistant depression and the next option for me is Electro Convulsive Therapy.
She never gave up on me.
I am getting married next year to the only girl that will ever understand me and who has been there through every episode. She never gave up on me. I have a supportive family and a couple of good friends. Right now I know for a fact I am sick but far from weak — but I am in need of help.
I would love to one day be a mental health advocate so I can use my experiences to help others.
I am not trying to shamelessly promote my music or comedy, but these were made during my episodes if anyone would like to listen to see what I was going through during my manic episodes
This information is intended only for #SickNotWeak and #SickNotWeak purposes. No information will be shared with any third party providers.
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