Broken, scarred but still enough

Growing up, I felt like an outsider. I was shy and socially awkward, lacked self confidence and worth and was bullied from a very young age. I was tall and a bigger build and kids can be cruel. My family was a very loving family but there was always something missing inside me. I decided at the age of 12 that I wanted to help people, to be the one to bring happiness to people and in turn fulfill the longing in myself to belong.

I wanted to be a police officer, specifically with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

I applied at age 18 and was deferred due to not meeting the eyesight requirements. I was devastated but persevered.

I attended college and got a diploma in law and security and was able to secure employment with a municipal police force. This position made me grow up and come out of my shell in a huge way. I felt that I was strong and confident in uniform, but once I was “just Treena” the insecurities and shyness would prevail.  I experienced some traumatic events with this job, attending numerous motor vehicle collisions. There are several that come to mind that made a huge impact on me and broke the armor of resiliency and the feeling of being invincible.

This would be my first encounter with depression and post traumatic stress disorder. And my first brush with wanting to die. It was a dark time and I was lost.

I still had the desire to help others and to fulfill my dream of wearing the red serge. I worked hard to build up my resilience and got help to overcome the darkness.

I had finally made it.

Then at age 29, my dream became reality as I embarked on the adventure of being a police officer. December 2006 I left my home and husband and faced the biggest challenge I would ever know up to that point. I struggled through the six months of training, pushed myself to the limit and walked across the stage to receive my badge. I had finally made it.

I was transferred from my home province and had a huge culture shock. Many adjustments and challenges. My journey there started in June 2007 and by Autumn of 2008 my life started to unravel. My marriage hit a snag, I attended a very traumatic murder scene, my family experienced the sudden sickness and death of a family member and the death of a friend my age. Then in early 2009, a sudden death in the family through suicide. My world was completely shattered within a six-month time span.

I struggled with depression and was sent to see a counsellor. I was able to get back to work and finish my posting. The four years there was definitely a trial by fire in many ways. I learned a lot about who I was, how I could face troubles and persevere but a part of me had died.

I felt I couldn’t be who he wanted me to be anymore.

The struggles with depression and the eventual diagnosis of PTSD became my new norm. I went to a new post and was hoping a change of scenery would help and I could outrun my demons but that wasn’t the case. I struggled very much in this new reality and lasted two years at this post, attending therapy sessions and trying to gain some control. I was eventually transferred again. I separated from my husband, as I wasn’t the person he married and I didn’t want to be a burden to him. He was supportive but I felt I couldn’t be who he wanted me to be anymore.

I embarked on this new adventure on my own, concentrating on me and stretching and growing in every area of my life. I was able to gain some sense of normalcy and was back to working and establishing a new routine. I was feeling stronger and used music to help on my road to recovery and resiliency.

Then I was involved in an horrific car crash at work. I had soft tissue injuries, plus the PTSD and depression to deal with. With another traumatic event like this on top of everything, I couldn’t deal anymore. I felt completely and utterly broken. I was in a relationship that wasn’t working, I was in constant physical pain, my mind was a fog all the time and my future at work was uncertain.

Once again, I was able to seek and receive help, to try and bring myself back out of this pit of depression. I left my relationship. I started surrounding myself with positive influences, listening to motivational speakers and truly searching deep within to find myself, to face the demons head on instead of ignoring them and letting them fester, and I started to feel better. Day by day I started to feel stronger, healthier, happier. I felt like there was hope, that life was worth living and that I was not alone.

Broken and scarred but still enough, and worthy to live.

Listening to Clara Hughes and Michael Landsberg on Bell Let’s talk, I had goosebumps. Listening to two high profile people describe how they felt because I knew first hand, I finally felt like someone understood. I wasn’t alone. I connected with a life coach that helped me truly believe that I was enough, just as I was. Broken and scarred but still enough, and worthy to live.  This epiphany was reiterated by a completely independent source that said almost the exact same words and literally blew my mind. How two individuals in different parts of this world could shed light on something so profound for me. I was amazed and I was empowered. I grew and embraced life and met some amazing people who helped me to heal.

I still struggle. I am only human. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. There are days I feel I can conquer the world. I breathe through the bad, knowing they won’t last forever and I cherish every second of the good. I know life can be tough and having a mental illness is tough but one thing I know and will always hold on to, I am sick, not weak and I am here for a purpose!