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Like a piece of mental floss cleaned out my brain

Guest Author: Rebecca

This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.

I would like to shine some enlightenment that you are not alone.

No one chooses to have depression.

Unfortunately, there is no blood test, breathing test, urinalysis test for depression to be classified as a disease.

But it is REAL. 

My diagnosis is Major Depression Disorder (MDD), Anxiety, Panic Attack’s, Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), and Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Despite everything, I’ve endured in my life — the turn of events that I had no control over.

But it is REAL. 

1. Domestic Abuse (my own first marriage) and my mother’s. Being battered at the control of someone else hands.
2. My own brother crossing my boundaries of my body.
3. Sexually Molested as a child at the age of five.
4. Growing up with an alcoholic parent.
5. Drug abuse (my brother’s heroin addiction) He died from it at age 39.
6. My Father was a psychopath. What kind of father would put a loaded gun to his children’s heads? He died when I was 15.
7. I’m right-handed and it will never be “normal” again, traumatic injury requiring five  surgeries.
8. Moving from the southwestern desert, to a place where there is very little sun in the winter.  Life-altering.  
9. Being an adult orphan, my mom passed when I was 42, with no siblings.

Not having a voice for anyone to hear my story.
My scars — others can’t see them.

I attempted suicide twice. Once at 18. The second time, a few years later.
Suicide doesn’t always guarantee death.

Your mind is resilient, with knowledge and education.

Working through years of therapy, Psychoanalysis, Cognitive therapy, Behavior therapy and Experiential therapy. Working hard to break family patterns, writing letters to those who have harmed me. Learning what steps to take, to keep myself mentally healthy. Get mentally educated. Knowing, will save your own life or someone else who may be in a crisis.  

Share what you’ve been through. You can heal. Your mind is resilient, with knowledge and education.

My last episode having suicidal thoughts was March 2017.
I’ve been to psychiatrist and been on medications for a very long time. 
My favorite band released a new album in May 2017.

Their lead singer lost his life due to his battle with depression.
In interviews prior to his death, he spoke openly about his own demons.
His own words:
“Because, I was like fuck the world, fuck everybody and everything.

I don’t like doing anything anymore, like nothing makes me happy. I don’t like anyone.”

“Different levels of depression, you can suppress feelings and you can get a moment, I want to be happy. I’ve never been comfortable just being. I just want to feel the full spectrum of light.”

Depression is my lifelong friend. I have to keep it in check. And I’m okay with it.
That’s it! I wasn’t feeling the full spectrum of light. I was on antidepressants, and I am not sad for any reason. Something was going on. This interview made me question, are my medications not working? I was sent to a clinic as my only option.  I was on the verge of suicide.

For my life has been nothing but chaotic and filled with uncertainty.

My first session, evaluated me for two hours.
Some anxiety situations I can try and prevent them. Others, I have no control over. For my life has been nothing but chaotic and filled with uncertainty.

I’ve done so much therapy to mend myself back together.  I’ll be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. Thank God, I never got into an addiction or alcoholism.

Within the last three years, in my hometown, mental health services are almost nonexistent.  They have no free standing psychiatrists — only two.

One oversees residents; the other sees those admitted to the emergency room at the hospital.

Can you believe there are no psychiatrists available for me to see for a med check within the state where I live? I am distraught over the level of mental health care. I have a right to have a healthy brain.

A piece of mental floss cleaned out my brain.

My insurance didn’t cover the clinic or the DNA test.

Clinic $6,652.00. DNA test $5, 500.00.

I’m so grateful having the DNA test. For over thirty years I was prescribed the wrong medications that didn’t work with my body. This new medication seems to be working. Like all the plaque was removed, a piece of mental floss cleaned out my brain.

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