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May 16, 2018
Roller coaster ride
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
I have suffered with mental illness for as long as I can remember. It took me a long time to go to a psychologist. I didn’t want to believe I was sick. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to believe I needed help, I would rather help others than help myself. I still struggle with that to this day. Letting others know it is nothing be ashamed of and they deserve help is easier than believing it myself.
It was a false sense of comfort.
When things in life were really hard and unbearable I turned to cutting as an outlet. I knew it was unhealthy but it was the only thing I knew would make me feel “better” for a little while. It was a false sense of comfort. I used cutting for nights when the voices in my head were nagging me to end my life. This voices convince me I am not good enough, I am not worthy enough, not smart enough and not pretty enough. These voices also contributed to my ED and my anxiety.
When I first went to a psychologist, I was not ready to deal with my mental illness. I didn’t try. I shared the bare minimum with her and things were not getting better. I did not believe I was worth the money or time that went into these sessions. I stopped going to therapy. I started to isolate myself because I was a burden on others and I didn’t want to bother them with my problems. I was at the lowest point of my life. I wasn’t eating. I was self harming constantly and sitting up late at night with life ending thoughts. Its funny how things happen I found the greatest friends I have ever had at the lowest point in my life. They talked me into continuing to get help because they informed me I was worth it. I was enough for them and I should be enough for myself. Some days I still don’t believe that but they continuously remind me.
I realized I could not do it on my own anymore.
I began to watch Ted Talks on mental health, and that’s what got me to begin talking about mental health. I opened up to my family and friends. I started an Instagram dedicated to talking about the hard stuff — the stuff nobody wants to talk about. I also began to write poetry about mental illness. My teacher has continuously encouraged me to write because she tells me I am good at it. I found a passion of mine in the darkest time of my life.
Then I finally reached out to a new psychologist when I had the worst suicidal episode I had ever had. I realized I could not do it on my own anymore. I was finally ready to open up and talk to somebody. I clicked with her instantly. She is amazing. She has taught me so many coping skills that I have been able to implement, and I have used them to help others who aren’t ready to talk to somebody. By no means am I in recovery — YET.
You don’t start at day zero when you slip.
The road to recovery for me has been rough. I have had setbacks. I hadn’t self-harmed for over a month when at one point and I got knocked onto my ass and started again. I had a small relapse, but my psychologist told me something that really stuck with me. You don’t start at day zero when you slip. When you have been clean for six days and you fall on the seventh day and you don’t cut on the eighth day, you are seven days clean. It is something that has stuck with me.
Opening up about my ED has been harder. I struggle with that on a daily basis. My ED sometimes is about control, I am not good enough so I shouldn’t eat. Or it can be about my appearance. I am still trying to get a handle on it. But at the end of the day. I am trying. That is all I can do right now.
Recovery IS in my future.
Recovery has been a roller coaster ride for me. I will get there but I have to continue to fight. I am fighting every single day. Sometimes my effort is not 100 per cent but that’s when I lean on my support or my coping skills. I allow myself the days of solely self-care. In the past I wouldn’t have. I am continuing to figure out who I am through this journey. I will leave you with a quote I read that I have posted everywhere to remind me: “It may be a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, or even a bad year, but it is not a bad life.”
Recovery IS in my future.