May 1, 2018
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
I’d like to thank you for all of the opportunities that you have given me. I can definitely say I am the person that I am because of you…but mostly in spite of you. You have nearly brought me to the brink of my extinction. Now, don’t go calling CAMH or the hospitals because I am not suicidal but a great part of me has died. I am not the person I was when I first met you and I don’t think I will ever be that same girl again.
I have alluded to my heartaches but I am ready to tell my truth.
I was attracted to you for what you promised.
You are like a bad lover. I was attracted to you for what you promised. You are the gold standard in Canada and I wanted to do whatever you said in order to succeed. I thought I would be happy, but I have never felt more angry and lonely. I thought I would have security, but I have never been so unsure of who I am or what I want to do. I thought I could trust you, but you have proved time and time again that I am just another girl, replaceable, another number.
Please enlighten me on why I, as a 23-year-old Chinese-Canadian female…who is smart, kind, beautiful, and apparently “the perfect girl” to some…, have to reduce everything about who I am as being “cute” and “dumb”? You say I’m much more than that, but I feel like these two qualities have gotten me further in life than anything else? When I play cute, I know I am attractive to many…people are attracted to happiness and naivety because that is often something that they lack. Dumb you ask, is more for me. The less you expect of me, the less I have to do and often the less heartbreak I endure. It is my way of protecting myself…to be hopelessly optimistic and naïve to what this world actually is.
But why do you punish me every time I open my mouth?
So I said I was smart…I know you believe me. But why do you punish me every time I open my mouth? I told my truth about my practicum experience (…especially because I was encouraged to do so) and you told me to stop complaining. I took care of my family and my community, but I was treated with a nice probation that included being sent home….but if I recall correctly, I had asked for because I was overworked, overtired, and taking care of my grandmother. When I tried to provide suggestions to make a healthier working environment, I received the gift of a “performance evaluation” in my inbox.
So yes, I know I haven’t been the nicest to you, but you really haven’t been all that kind in return. What scares me the most is that despite hanging off of my mental and emotional cliff, I am not alone. I am not the only person that you have harmed, nor will I be the last. I just hope one day that someone can crack through your massive ego and you will learn to be better.
Stop trying to tell people what they should be doing — try listening. Listen to the people and listen to their hearts, their soul and their inspiration.
I am much more than a University student.
Because of you, I am happy you let me fail. You have taught me what is important. And I have learned that you are not one of them. I am much more than a University student. I am an educator, an adventurer and a lost soul that is trying to figure out how I can find my way home.
A broken heart with a strong spirit.