Apr 24, 2018
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
My name is Julia. I am 36 years old. I suffer from severe anxiety with panic attacks and depression.
Six years ago, my illness started to rear its ugly head again. I had to stop working again and everything slowly starting slipping away. I was in a very unsupportive, emotionally abusive relationship at the time. Over the next three years things continued to decline more until I had to move back in with my parents. I felt like I had lost everything. I could not go out alone or stay home alone. Yet I clung to this bad, unhealthy relationship.
I felt unworthy of anything.
I was at one of the lowest points I have ever been at in my sickness. I felt unworthy of anything. I thought I was never going to get better. I had zero confidence in myself. I was having suicidal thoughts and ideations. I made tentative plans in my head but didn’t act on them.
One night, approximately three years ago, my relationship was blown wide open. I found out he was cheating, lying and stealing from me. Among other things, I was an emotional wreck. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back as they say. I just sobbed uncontrollably. My best friend was on the phone with me. But I made a decision. I let her go, saying I was going to get a bath to try and calm down. But really, I was done. I felt like there was no one who could ever love me. I didn’t deserve love. There was no point to my life. I was just a burden to my loved ones. I tried to commit suicide.
I overdosed on pills. I remember just feeling numb as I was taking them. I guess I passed out and knocked over a lamp which woke up my step father. From what I’ve been told he came in to find me with a very weak pulse and yelled for my mom to call 911. They told me that I was less than five minutes from dying. The paramedics started CPR and kept me alive until I got to the hospital. I was put into an induced coma in the ICU for the next three days.
They told me that I was less than five minutes from dying.
I guess for those days, one of my parents was always there. My best friend came and cried at my bedside. She blamed herself. There’s no way she could have known though and my mom reassured her of that. Two days later, they took me out of the coma, took out the breathing tube and sent me home after a five minute discussion with the hospital psychiatrist.
I thought that was kind of odd — that they would be so quick to send someone home who just almost took their own life.
By the time I got home my mom had already cleaned up all the stuff from the paramedics being there. She told me everything had just went flying everywhere with them trying to save me. For the first time I realized what she must have felt having seen her daughter almost die in front of her own eyes. Everyone was very watchful over me for quite awhile after that. Even now, when I get in a bad dip and stay in bed, it seems like they are a little more aware of things.
Mental illness affects every single thing in your life.
I really do believe that the events that are unfolding in our lives and how we are doing in our illness at the time go hand in hand. If I had been well, I don’t think I would have done what I did over the breakup. If I hadn’t been at such a low point in my life, with zero self confidence or love for myself, I think I would have been heartbroken but I think I would have been able to get past it in time.
Mental illness affects every single thing in your life and how you handle and react to situations. I can now say that while I am not well in my illness, I am not suicidal either. But I am very aware that this sickness will kill me if I don’t fight it every day.