Feb 13, 2018
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
I never wanted my family to lose me to violence nor the system.
More so, I didn’t want to lose myself.
During my adulthood, I’ve discovered an array of other ways to which I could be lost —I found myself engulfed by mental health — doing my best to remain sane. Prisoner of my mind, I️ served my sentence and write out sentences to make sense of this. It’s insanity.
If I’m not myself then whose body do I wear as a costume?
Depersonalization and Derealization, otherwise known as DP/DR worked as team to takeover my mind. While Depersonalization (DP) convinced me that I am not who I thought I was for the last 24 years of my existence, Derealization (DR) told me nothing I am experiencing is real. None of this actually exists.
Well damn, if I’m not myself then whose body do I wear as a costume? If none of this is real and it’s only pretend, then what is the purpose of me being here? Wait, I said “me.” I am unsure if me is me.
The detachment of self drives to through me lengths of anxiety that I’ve never felt before. Although DP/DR weighs in, my mind still anchors rational thoughts. Tug of war and tug of thoughts.
Tug of war and tug of thoughts.
Alcohol and marijuana usage had to cease, for these substances already detached me from a point of a view that’s altered — adding in my sickness with this duo only called for disaster. DP/DR became the revolver and all it took was these two substances to pull the trigger.
My friends, family and girlfriend were overall familiar with a multitude of mental health illnesses, but nothing like DP/DR. I found it my purpose to educate them on what DP/DR was.
In return, I discovered that they too have experienced at least one experience of DP/DR, as most humans do.
I became distant from activities I enjoyed, friends I spoke to on a daily basis and I felt the shift in my personality, even if I externally appeared well. Well, my well-being didn’t feel like being here.
My health was in danger and I️ had to proceed with caution.
It drew me to a canvas of suicide and I couldn’t decide if being here was worth the effort any longer. What future could I have painted through that unfamiliar lens. Did it matter? I️ mean, this was all a dream anyway and maybe I’ll get to reality instead of treading chaotic rivers in a simulated manner.
Daily, my mind plagued me and I forcefully pledged my allegiance to the insane sickness. I felt numb and no longer knew what it was like to be happy or sad. It turned into a movie and I was not the director but I played a role that I️ never agreed upon in the first place.
My family didn’t lose me to violence or the system, but they did lose me—to myself. Imprisonment of self, yet detached from self. My health was in danger and I️ had to proceed with caution.