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Depersonalization and Derealization Teamed up to Drive me Insane

Guest Author: Craig

This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.

I never wanted my family to lose me to violence nor the system.

More so, I didn’t want to lose myself.

During my adulthood, I’ve discovered an array of other ways to which I could be lost —I found myself engulfed by mental health — doing my best to remain sane. Prisoner of my mind, I️ served my sentence and write out sentences to make sense of this. It’s insanity.

If I’m not myself then whose body do I wear as a costume?

Depersonalization and Derealization, otherwise known as DP/DR worked as team to takeover my mind. While Depersonalization (DP) convinced me that I am not who I thought I was for the last 24 years of my existence, Derealization (DR) told me nothing I am experiencing is real. None of this actually exists.

Well damn, if I’m not myself then whose body do I wear as a costume? If none of this is real and it’s only pretend, then what is the purpose of me being here? Wait, I said “me.” I am unsure if me is me.

The detachment of self drives to through me lengths of anxiety that I’ve never felt before. Although DP/DR weighs in, my mind still anchors rational thoughts. Tug of war and tug of thoughts.

Tug of war and tug of thoughts.

Alcohol and marijuana usage had to cease, for these substances already detached me from a point of a view that’s altered — adding in my sickness with this duo only called for disaster. DP/DR became the revolver and all it took was these two substances to pull the trigger.

My friends, family and girlfriend were overall familiar with a multitude of mental health illnesses, but nothing like DP/DR. I found it my purpose to educate them on what DP/DR was.

In return, I discovered that they too have experienced at least one experience of DP/DR, as most humans do.  

I became distant from activities I enjoyed, friends I spoke to on a daily basis and I felt the shift in my personality, even if I externally appeared well. Well, my well-being didn’t feel like being here.

My health was in danger and I️ had to proceed with caution.

It drew me to a canvas of suicide and I couldn’t decide if being here was worth the effort any longer. What future could I have painted through that unfamiliar lens. Did it matter? I️ mean, this was all a dream anyway and maybe I’ll get to reality instead of treading chaotic rivers in a simulated manner.

Daily, my mind plagued me and I forcefully pledged my allegiance to the insane sickness. I felt numb and no longer knew what it was like to be happy or sad. It turned into a movie and I was not the director but I played a role that I️ never agreed upon in the first place.

My family didn’t lose me to violence or the system, but they did lose me—to myself. Imprisonment of self, yet detached from self. My health was in danger and I️ had to proceed with caution.

Comments

David
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I’d never heard of DP/DR before, so had had to re-read this a few times to try and make some sense of it. I’m not sure I do understand, but perhaps that’s a typical response of someone who’s never experienced it. But thanks for telling it. It reminds us that mental illness is much more than just being depressed. Wishing you all the best, Craig.

Sam
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DP/DR is extremely difficult and poorly understood. I had a nerve injury to my eye which made me unsure/sure that I was insane for nearly 3 years. I was scared to just be awake, any activity which required visual focus could make me feel so unreal and detached that I just wanted to die. I felt that I might as well be in a video game, alone and terrified. For me as my eye healed the symptoms gradually dissipated, but for a long time I now understand that they we’re extremely severe on any scale of DP/DR.

I’m not a doctor, but I have heard from others of visual problems leading to symptoms, and in my case DR caused extreme anxiety, rather than the other way around.

It’s not pleasant, it’s not fair, but it will dissipated. If I made it, you can too 😃 I had no great skill, but with perseverance I survived the greatest terror I can imagine, you can too.

Jackie
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I am actively going through DP/DR and it as so frightening! My anxiety is through the room.. I don’t feel like myself. Last night I got the overwhelming urge to commit suicide to make the thoughts stop. I already have bad anxiety and the use of marijuana has amplified it tremendously but I have a strong mind so im batting through it. The symptoms sway but the fear seems to be ever lasting. These comments had lead me to believe that the thoughts will cease but it seems like forever.

Ozzy
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Been facing dp dr for 9 yrs now
Lost my friends my social life my relationships
The intrusive thoughts drive me up the wall from dawn to dusk
People say it’s temporary and while I highly doubt that’s the case with me, it’s the only hope I hold on to

Janassenda
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Tamarion Moore
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I’m dealing with do/dr as well and I’m pretty sure weed triggered it last November it was my first time smoking and I guess I had something with really lots of thc because I had a really bad panic attack and my heart was pounding out my chest and the only thought was that I was having a heart attack and was going to die. I kept telling my friends I needed to go hone and they were scared to take me home because if I told my mom they felt like they were all going to get in trouble. I finally convinced them to take me home and I ran straight to my mom telling her I smoked some weed and that I think it was a bad batch or that it was laced because I feel like I’m dying and she kept telling me that everything was going to be fine along with everyone else around me but I just couldn’t believe them. Nothing around felt real and I felt like everyone was against me and that I was going to die because of it. I finally had calmed down and fallen asleep and woke up the next morning feeling like everything that happened was a bad dream and when I walked out m room my mom asked me was I okay and that’s when I knew it wasn’t a dream. This incident happened November of 2019. And now it is May of 2020 and I still smoke weed and experience these same feelings but I know that I’m going to be fine and I know how to stay calm but the anxiety still eats at me. Well as of now it’s been over a week since I’ve smoked weed and I’ve been feeling these DP/DR symptoms getting worse. I was driving the other night with my cousin in the car and I forgot who she was. Every bone in my body was telling me to freak out but there was this small voice telling to just stay calm, which I did. When I got home I was alone and my thoughts were all over the place, I was scared out of my mind but had no idea where the fear was coming from. I felt like if I went to sleep that I was never going to wake back up. The next morning I had to go to work and as I was driving the urge to run off the road kept nagging at me but there was also this voice telling me to remain calm and it feels like everyday that goes by that voice gets quieter and quieter and I’m scared that I will no longer hear it and give in to these urges. This morning I woke up and had to pinch myself several time to realize that I was awake. I did my morning ground check which is where I name out things all around my room to make sure I’m awake but I still don’t feel like myself at all, I feel like I’m stuck in a dream world and I can’t get out. It feels like if I were to go crazy and break things that it’d be okay because it’s only a dream but I still hear the small voice. I’ve never struggled with depression, or any other mental health issues until now. And I feel nothing like myself. I’m basically on auto pilot trying to just remain calm until it’s nighttime and I can seclude myself in my room and go to sleep. I finally told my mom two days ago about my problems and she just keeps trying to not bring it up but I know it scars her and she has no idea how to help me. I feel completely alone and I’m trying to stay calm and have hope but the urge to just end it keeps creeping into my thoughts and the voice thats telling me to push on is slowly going away and I’m scared I’ll listen to it.

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