September 27, 2017
Disclaimer: SickNotWeak does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
My name’s Andrea, I’m 22 and I was diagnosed with restrictive anorexia nervosa at 17.
Wow, it feels so weird – so raw – reading that last sentence again. One doesn’t usually introduce themselves like that, stating a diagnosis, but there it is: I’m 22 and I’ve been battling eating disorders for over five years.
Now I can say I’ve been worse. I’m in weight restoration since I was 19, my focus 100 percent set on recovery. On good days, at least. On bad days, it can drop to 70 or 60 percent, or the dreaded 50 percent or below where I engage in past, toxic behaviors and I have to fight back as hard as possible.
Recovery is work.
I’m, as I like to call it, in No Man’s Land. In No Man’s Land I’m weight restored and I don’t usually respond to my self-hate filled thoughts— but I still experience body dysmorphia and anxiety in food-related situations. No Man’s Land is a danger zone (the most scary danger of all, of course, being relapsing), but it’s okay. Recovery is work, and as of recently my outlook on recovery has changed dramatically, all thanks to a Dutch documentary called Emma wants to live.
Now when it comes to ED-related media, there’s people in recovery who feel triggered by it and there’s people in recovery who feel inspired by it. I can relate to both, so I’m always very cautious of which ED-related movies, books and documentaries I let myself consume. Any mentions of weights or calorie intakes are a big no-no, as are words like ana, mia or rexie(s) (honestly, why the need to give a cutesy nickname to the mental illness who’s trying to ruin your life?).
When I encountered the Dutch documentary Emma wants to live, however, I didn’t know what to think of it. A few friends from my ED recovery group had talked to me about it. A couple of them claimed to have been a bit triggered by it, but the vast majority had found it empowering and a major wake-up call. I’d been trying to avoid it for a while (it had triggered some of my friends, after all!), but one grey Spring afternoon (one of those in which I felt so huge and unworthy) I decided to give it a try. And, gosh, am I glad I did.
Now I won’t say it was a Holy Grail. Please. Don’t think that this documentary is magically going to open anyone’s eyes so definetely that relapsing won’t be a threat ever again. But it is a major wake-up call.
The documentary follows Emma Caris, a Dutch 18-year old girl who’s been battling severe anorexia ever since she was 12, during her last attempt at recovery in an ED-recovery clinic in Lisbon. Emma wants to live starts with a self-recorded video in which Emma, weight restored at the time, is riding her bike again after recovery. It is 2015. Then, another self-recorded video. It’s 2016 now and Emma is visibly underweight. Life is no bed of roses, she says, and with that she encapsulates the undeniable truth: she’s relapsed again. She then states that we’re seeing the documentary of her recovery. Beat. Or not, she adds.
I was immediately taken aback by that. It felt so real, so honest, so close to what I’d been through when I was at my lowest and first attempted recovery. Recovery. Then it was both a promise and a nightmare, the best and the worst thing that could’ve happened to me, and although now I can see clearly that your worst day in recovery is still better than your best day in relapse, when you’re in the gutter the mere thought of getting better is as seductive as it is terrifying.
The documentary is as direct as Emma. She’s gotten better and relapsed countless times, and she’s in a stage where doctors fear there’s no going back. And yet she tries. Throughout the documentary we see Emma in the Portuguese clinic fighting her very hardest to overcome anorexia. Falling and getting up again, falling and getting up again as her body shuts down.
Despite the hopeful message, Emma wants to live is as brutal as the naked truth of it: eating disorders kill, sometimes even when you’re doing every little thing you can to survive.
I felt sad and angry by the loss of such a powerful life.
As doctors feared, Emma didn’t make it. Her last wish had been for the documentary to be released no matter the outcome. And although I’d only seen forty minutes of Emma’s fight, I was deeply touched by her and her courage, and I felt sad and angry by the loss of such a powerful life. That’s when the obvious hit me: so many precious lives are lost every year due to eating disorders. EDs kill, no matter the BMI or specific diagnosis, and the very least we can do for all those people we’ve lost is to choose life every single damn day. To live for them. It’s such a huge responsibility. Every day I see myself fall back in old behaviors I have to remind myself that I’m not just living for me, but also for Emma, and for the neighbor who died of anorexia, and that friend’s friend and all the members of my recovery group who never went online again.
How did this story make you feel?
5
6
32
4
3
Comments
More Community Stories
Help Others Feel Less Alone
I’m so moved by this documentary and the incredible strength she had. Thank you for sharing, Andrea. Your words, your courage are also inspiring. Stay strong and know that you are loved.
Hi! I am from Spain and I saw Emma’s documentary this week when it aired on tv. I have watched some documentaries like this one because I have always been interested in these illnesses and I want to know more about them because when I am older I would like to help patients, not as a doctor, but as a therapist maybe. I have never known anybody suffering from the illness, but I was deeply moved by Emma’s story. I lost a friend (under another circumstances) when she was only 21 and I know the pain of losing someone you love very much before it is their time. No matter what is going on but WE must fight and it can always get better. Never losing hope is the first step.
Thank you for your beautiful conclusion. I will not forget what you wrote here, stay strong.
Hi i ve just seen Emma’s documentary…i m not crying easily but it s unfair for her…why such a good person like her is not still alive???she had sooo many things to live!hopefully i m not suffering of anorexia and i want to wish good luck and send all my love and motivation and good waves to u all…u re strong!u re alive! RIP EMMA
Sorry for my bad english…
Elo from Belgium
I was very impressed of the film with Emma. She was such an extraordinnary person. I suffered of anorexia and Bulimie when I was young. I used it to control my life, my feelings , my problems with my mother who wasn’t able to love me. Bur then I worked with all these emotions and after three years I needn’ t this kind of illness no longer. Never give up!!!
Having an ED since I was 14, it’s been over 40 yrs, and wo sounding pessimistic, doesn’t get easier but you do become more adept at handling the bad times. I’ve seen other documentaries but they really don’t capture how hard it is for parents. To want to desperately help your child to the point of involuntary hospital admissions and the use of physical restraints but unable to, is the hardest thing for a parent. Near the end when Carmen, the counselor at the Portuguese center, said the best thing she did for her parents was to go away on her own, was heartbreaking but true. Watching the end was so painful. Being there would’ve broken my heart. Through the years I’ve struggled to keep my secret and feelings from my own daughter. I never want her to live w the shame and body dysmorphia that I cope w on a daily basis. The thing that keeps me going is knowing how bad it would be for my family if something happened to me.
I don’t understand why they couldn’t have intravenously given Emma nutrients? I understand it would not treat the ED but it would have kept her alive! I had that, when my intestines had become paralyzed and then had to be surgically altered. I don’t understand!?!?!
I’ve viewed “Emma Wants to Live” twice. My interest is personal. I struggled with bulimia and anorexia pretty much all my life. I remember refusing to eat as a very young child. It so worried my mother that she once took me to a doctor specifically because I wouldn’t eat normally. But the doctor said there was nothing to worry about because though I was skinny I was not abnormally underweight. The thing to remember that there’s no absolute script to eating disorders. While clinical requirements for anorexia exist, all people are different. I personally went through long periods of eating normally and gaining weight. But at NO time in my 59 years have I ever stopped obsessing about weight. It is exhausting and sad, sad, sad. I thought the magic answer was bulimia. I don’t want to trigger anybody with the details but for a while bulimia seemed to “suit” me. Then, my teeth started rotting. I now have had all my upper teeth extracted and most of the lower. I also began to dread the purging. So I stopped, on my own. The only recourse I saw was to restrict food intake. For at least a whole year I only allowed myself 500 calories a day! I also exercised daily. Naturally, I lost a lot of weight. But to my dismay, people did not congratulate me on my super slim body. They thought I looked sick. Anyway, that was when I was in my early 30s. I regained some of the weight, again, with no therapeutic help. But ED compulsions are extremely powerful. I am now 59 yo and still restrict most of the time. Imagine that. Restricting is my dirty secret. So I truly admire the courage of Emma to share her story and struggles and ultimate demise with the world. I hope she saved many lives with her images of emaciation and her tears. God bless her and I hope in His mercy she is finally at peace in paradise.