Another battle

After five months of battling anxiety and depression, now I have another battle.  Maybe that is a bit dramatic, maybe it is simply an appeal.  But for me, at this stage, it feels like a battle.  Draining my energy and leaving my budding confidence in shreds. I thought I was so much further along.  I thought I was getting better.

I have done, and continue to do, everything that I can to get better and back to work. I miss work. I miss the people and being productive, contributing. Anyone who thinks otherwise, who thinks how nice it must be to sit at home and do nothing … try again.  I’d trade your energy, confidence, responsibilities for my darkness and isolation any day.  Don’t worry – I’ll pretend I’ve got it made so you feel better about what you think about what I am doing.

I still don’t really understand.

I felt certain that I would never fully recover and get back to work full time. I thought part-time would be my only option for long term and I was anxious to try.  This prompted me to start the process for returning to work. My expectations were low but I was filled with hope and a sense of worth and value when I heard that there was a good possibility that something could be found to accommodate me, my restrictions. 

I have since been set back upon receiving the news from my insurer (approx. two weeks later) that my claim was closed and the news from my employer that the likelihood of finding part time work was slim.  What happened? What changed?  I still don’t really understand.  What I do know is that this roller coaster has turned me upside down but I am not ready to give up.

 At this point, the biggest challenges I have are:

• Sustaining energy levels throughout the day
• Lack of concentration / inability to focus
• Poor memory
• Difficulty organizing thoughts and tasks
• Difficulty managing emotions (teary, irritability)

These are all barriers to returning to work full-time. Ordinary tasks like meal planning, grocery shopping etc. are still almost out of reach. Sometimes I can do one or the other but never in the same day. When I can do this type of activity, the effort is extraordinary and I am exhausted by it.  It may take several hours or days to recover.  

It is a battle every day to get up, and put one foot in front of the other. To attend appointments and do my homework, to track my activities and feelings, to try to keep my chin up and contribute in some small way to my recovery, to my family, to my life.   I have come so far from where I was when I left work so many months ago but I am not back to the vital, confident, quick thinking person that I was.  Not even close.

I have been open and responsive to every request that has come my way with regard to demonstrating not only that I have barriers that prevent me from working and what they are,  but also that I am actively trying to get better.  The manner in which my claim was closed and the manner in which I was spoken to towards the end of the process was, in my opinion, very disrespectful. It discounted everything that I had done up to that point and the impact to me has been devastating, stripping away confidence in my own judgement and decision making, sending me spiralling back down. It sounds so dramatic but that is how it’s been for me.   

It’s exhausting and in and of itself, having to justify your illness

Every time I open up to share my problems – it is so hard to do. It is a trigger for all the worst aspects of anxiety and depression.  When a person has a broken leg, they don’t have to say anything – you can see it, it is visible. When a person has cancer, there is immediate understanding of the gravity and seriousness of the illness.  Everyone rallies. When you have depression, debilitating depression, you feel like you have to hide it somehow, or constantly justify not only to others … but also to yourself. It feels shameful, it’s exhausting and in and of itself, having to justify your illness – over and over – is a hindrance to recovery.   

Sharing can be a very healthy thing, making room for acceptance and understanding.  But explaining and justifying reinforce all the bad thoughts. Maybe it is just all in my head? Maybe I am just weak or faking? Maybe I just need to try harder? I wish there was an effort gauge on my body so you could see just how hard I am trying, always, every day and in every way … just looking at it would make you exhausted too.  

I understand that it is necessary to have appropriate documentation to support continued compensation and ultimately it all comes down to money, but compassion can aid in recovery and in terms of the bottom line,  perhaps it can help get someone back to work sooner.  

As I read and reread my words, I am reminded of the passionate, articulate, clear headed and strong person that I was and can be.   Don’t be fooled, it took weeks to write this and at the expense of my own sense of well-being but it is important to share my voice and advocate for myself because I may be Sick … but I am not Weak.