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Do You Hear It?

Guest Author: Matthew

This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.

Where you hear a washing machine with an uneven load, I hear the rattling of a diesel engine. When you hear sirens pass-by, I remember back-up that’s too far away.  Are those ribs you just ordered charbroiled? No thanks, I’ve seen skin presented in the same way. When you hear the accidental smashing of a glass, I hear the firefighters smashing the windows of the car, with people trapped inside. You may pass a playground and see and hear children laughing and playing. I hear their pleas and cries for help because ‘they’ are sick or wounded. This is what I hear during my day. Do you hear it? …

They are just there to drown out the sound of the world around me.

Sounds play a pivotal role in how I am going to feel throughout the day. That is why you can typically see me walking with ear phones in. Not an odd sight to see someone with earphones, walking around right? Thing is, sometimes they are not even playing anything.They are just there to drown out the sound of the world around me. Sometimes that is successful. Other times, it is inescapable. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not angry about having the gift of hearing. There are many who don’t have it at all. It’s just, that what I hear, and what ‘you’ hear, are two totally different things from different worlds.

Sitting at a packed bar during a sporting event, or at the arena itself, hearing the goal horn go off, it sounds exactly like the air-horns of our ambulances or firetrucks. Upon hearing that sound, I am right back on scene, frantically working on whomever because of whatever. The world around me is a constant memory. One that I have to fight to get out of. Every – day…

I think that’s why it’s so hard to relax sometimes –  because when living in a city, you can never really escape sound. There’s a poignant duality in who I am. I both love the city, and hate the sound. Fucked, right? I know…  Thing is, if I lived somewhere quiet, less urban, I fear that I would fall further into my seclusion from the world and just, pretend it doesn’t exist at all. We all know how healthy that would be. So, I suppose you could say for the time being, I’m lost. Trying to find my way in this life. This life of PTSD. I don’t suppose you have a map – do you? Maybe even some earplugs? …

The world around me is a constant memory.

I this could be another reason why I love the rain so much – because it calms the noises of the everyday. It washes away the normality of day after day in a moderate climate. Maybe that’s the thing – maybe I just need to live somewhere where it rains more often than not? I dunno? Who’s to say? …

Well that’s it for now. I am gonna close the laptop. Place the earplugs in. And try to drift away for a while.

Goodnight everyone. Oh, and if you keep ‘normal’ people hours, and you’re reading this in the waking hours of the morning, hi. Good morning. Now stop reading this and go do something… Quietly…

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iam1in5
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Thank you Matthew. This is a brilliant way to describe your PTSD. I sorry that you suffer, but please know how important you are in this sometimes sunny and always noisy world.

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