March 21, 2017
Disclaimer: SickNotWeak does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
I remember the first time my Dad told me that he wanted to kill himself. It is, of course, one of those things a person never forgets. There were times he had hinted at it, but I denied that I knew what he was getting at. This time was different and I couldn’t deny it. This time he said the actual words. ‘I’m tired of fighting, Tyler. I want to end it. I want to kill myself’. Those words ring in my head like it was yesterday. I’ve never felt more scared and helpless in my entire life. I cried the entire way home.
No treatment has been effective for him long term.
My Dad suffers from depression, anxiety, and a host of other mental health issues. He has suffered for nearly 40 years; since before I was born. He’s been on more than 50 different medications, seen too many doctors to count and been treated in a dozen facilities over the years. At one point he was taking more than two dozen medications at the same time, while simultaneously taking ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy). Along with all of the drugs and the ECT, he also volunteered as a subject for a study on Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) therapy. TMS is another controversial treatment that is only used when other methods of treatment for depression have not been effective.
No treatment has been effective for him long term.
My Mom raised two boys, mostly on her own, while Dad was sick and/or hospitalized for much of my childhood. I’m not sure I’ll ever truly understand how, but she was able to shield us from a lot of the pain, anger and stress. She spent the better part of her life advocating for him and helping to deal with his terrible illness. My Mom is the strongest person I know and I love her more than she knows. Guess who I called when I got home that day after Dad told me he wanted to commit suicide? I’m so glad she was there to talk. She’s the only person I knew that could understand how I felt.
Of course, growing up, I didn’t want people to know that my dad was ‘Crazy’ – that he was in the ‘Loony Bin’. I regret that I didn’t trust that my friends would support me, rather than ridicule me. Looking back, I realize that they ‘knew’ and that they did support me. We just never talked about it because I avoided it. They respected that I wasn’t ready to talk about it and I’ve grown to appreciate that now. Hopefully it’s not too late to let them know. (Thank you!)
I’m ashamed that he’s suffered without me.
Now, let me tell you why I’m ashamed. I’ve been selfish. It makes me sick to think how selfish I’ve been. While my Dad is and was dealing with this crippling illness, I was more concerned about my feelings. I’m ashamed that he’s suffered without me. I’m ashamed of the lies and mistruths I told about his condition, just to avoid my feelings being hurt. I’m ashamed that I avoided taking him out in public because I might have encountered someone I knew. I’m ashamed that I cared what other people thought. I’m ashamed that, somehow, I let those other people matter more than my own Dad.
Most importantly, on this Bell Lets Talk Day, I’m ashamed that I’ve been part of the problem. I continued, through my silence, to perpetuate the stigma. I have not been strong enough to be the change I want to see. I’m ashamed that I’ve been so weak and so selfish for so long.
It’s time for a change. Please join me in being part of the solution.
If you need to talk, Let’s Talk. I understand.
*Tyler originally posted this letter on his Facebook page for Bell Let’s Talk Day and was amazed at the response that he got*
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Dear Tyler,
It wasn’t till very recently that I shared with my two children that I am battling depression. Your statement that through your silence perpetuate the stigma resonates so much with me. Telling my kids is the hardest thing I e ever done. Thank you for sharing and making me realize I cannot be quiet about my depression .
You have made a huge step forward by writing this ! Your family must be so proud of you ! Thank you for stepping up to help end the stigma ! As a depression sufferer along with panic attacks for many years I am trying to fight ! Getting tired after so many years ! Had meds that worked then they stopped ! People think mental illness can be cured I don’t think so ! I think with the right meds , counselling help etc it might be managed but have to try to keep going ! Thank you so much for sharing your story ! It does help to know I’m not alone !
I read this with tears in my eyes. I’ve only realized – because of a couple of traumatic events- that the greyness I’ve been fighting for the past 7 years is depression & anxiety. You mean not everyone gets immobilized by the searing dread that something awful will happen. Not everyone who says they are ‘tired’ had to fight just to get up and dressed…forget the shower! It all recently crashed down around me and here I am – not able to work in the job I’ve loved for 20 years, afraid to tell my adult kids & husband ‘what’s wrong’ when I can’t explain it. Just smile and say ‘don’t worry, I’ll be fine’. Like you I remember the day Infounf my mom sitting sobbing in a corner saying ‘i just want to die’. I was 14, mortified and helpless to help her. My gentle dad just said my mom was ‘sensitive’ and needed quiet time. Then she would be full of life, acting in community theatre, arranging fundraisers and being the life of the party. Then back to the dark, hide in her room stage. When I had my own babies I was afraid to leave them with her not knowing what ‘mom’ she would be. At 60 she was diagnosed and started the mess that she said ‘gave her back her life’. Now here I am, on the dark side and afraid my kids & husband will be as scared/unsure as me and reluctant to see me as the ‘strong one’ I’ve always shown to the world. But your story tells me I have to talk…for my sake & theirs.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am a Dad that is suffering from severe depression. I have been an open book with my kids about my depression and other (recovering alcoholic October 1 1995) addictions in my life.
This is the total opposite of how things were growing up. Don’t speak, don’t feel and don’t talk. Basically shut up and smile pretend all was well. It wasn’t.
I am very happy to be open with my kids about all my issues I hope they take heed and be open about how they see themselves.
My son is currently in the Adolescent Psychiatric ward on his own no push or have to but a want to get better on his part. He is 16 this is a huge step and choice for a young man.
I am so very sad he has the same issues as his father but at the same time peoid for him chosing to do what it takes to get help. I hope sharing with him helped and he can get tjhis figured out early and have a leas eventful life than I have had.
Thanks Tyler for inspiring me to share
D
Thank you AJ, Kelly, Snowgirl and BigDaddy for sharing your stories. I’m so glad that my story was able to help you in some small way.
Please continue to share and seek help. Don’t be silent. Since I’ve shared this story, I’ve found there are many more people in the same shoes just waiting for someone else to have the courage to share… to let them open up. To not be afraid.
We all need to fight for our happiness!
Bless.
Thank you everyone. How much do I share? In the darkness I lose self respect and motivation. There is no interest in food, personal hygiene or socializing of any kind. There is no living. Just survival at best. I see the disgust and disappointment on my friend’s face. “Who is this?”, her expression seems to say. She tries to hide it, but it’s there.
Coming out of my most recent episode she commented, “This is the Janet I like. You know what I mean.” Yes, I do. It is exhausting and even bewildering for loved ones too. They watch us suffer.
Talking is tough, though we need to communicate the ugliest stuff as well. The pressure will be released for all concerned and involved. Take care with love, patience, discernment, and understanding.