Bettering your self worth

I have been diagnosed of my anxiety/depression for about three years now. But my story begins much earlier than that. Ever since I can remember my parents have had huge fights, verbal and physical. Sometimes my brother and me would hide together in his room and keep each other company, but usually I would be the only one awake and hear everything. At a young age I found out my father was addicted to crack/cocaine.

It took my mom years to leave him, after all the money loss, having my pink iPod nano pawned off more times than I can count, having him take my brother and I to dealers houses and leaving us in the car, seeing drugs in my basement, having dealers come to our home with weapons because he owed them money, lying to Children’s Aid about him not living with us, when he was, because he had nowhere to go, moving countless times to try and leave him. I was so embarrassed and had to hide it from my friends because my mom told me to.

Throughout high school I think what I had to go through started to take a toll on me, but no one caught on, not even me. I ditched class, didn’t put effort into my work, I would come home and go right to bed and sleep until the morning. I wouldn’t eat, didn’t make plans with friends, thought about suicide, started cutting my arms and legs, and lashed out at my mom verbally.  All I wanted to do was be alone. But I thought this was what normal teenagers did.

But he changed his mind about me and left once and for all.

My love life took a turn when the guy I fell in love with cheated on me, numerous times, but I kept going back to him thinking he would change. I snuck out to see him because my mom didn’t approve of him. I was so caught up in him and making him happy so he wouldn’t cheat again, and even changed my religious views based on him wanting to be with a girl who believed in God. But he changed his mind about me and left once and for all.

About a little over a year later I met the guy I’m with now, when we first met I felt great and was so happy. After we became official I started to see myself differently again. Somewhere deep in my mind, I was telling myself he’s going to cheat, he’s going to leave and he’s not really in love with me. Every time I was with him and his friends I would shut down and not include myself in activities, ignore him and his friends, and most times I would burst into tears and end up in a fight or him consoling me. He didn’t know what he did wrong, and I didn’t know why I was acting this way. I felt like I was going insane. My emotions were so unstable, my relationship hanging on by a thread, and knowing that put me into an even worse state. I would tell my mom, or a friend, or my boyfriend but no one believed how I was feeling or they chalked it up to me overreacting.

My life seemed to close in around me.

I moved in with my boyfriend because we were both going to the same school, so it made sense. But when he would leave me alone to go back to work in our hometown, I had no friends to hangout with and I didn’t feel comfortable to go out on my own, so I would stay indoors for days waiting for him to come back. Thoughts of suicide kept creeping in, I would eat junk all day and binge watch Netflix, making me even more depressed through my own actions. My life seemed to close in around me, like I was Alice and I kept falling through that damn rabbit hole. It got to the point that I ripped out my hair extensions (that I got as an attempt to help my self image) and left myself with like no fucking hair. That was a real wake up call, as vain as that may sound.

I tried about six different medications before I found the right one. I started my own makeup Instagram and YouTube channel to push myself to do something productive while keeping up with a passion of mine. I now have best friends who have been an amazing support system, a better communication system with my boyfriend, and a better sense of my self worth.

I know I am sick, but I am not weak.