I’m deserving

If you look up phobia in the dictionary you’ll be informed that it’s an irrational fear. People who somehow make it through life without experiencing trauma seem to think that all phobias are of the definition – irrational. What if multiple traumas have caused extreme anxiety, phobias and PTSD? In addition, what happens when the person suffering seeks therapy time and time again and is constantly met with incompetency? After over 20 years of suffering from both issues resulting from trauma and being mistreated by therapeutic professionals, I’m still suffering; I’m still seeking, but thriving despite it all.

I was left to fend for myself, so I did.

My first trauma was met at the age of 4 with countless traumas still to come. There were multiple assaults throughout my teenage life, including break-ins when I was home alone. It all happened while my parents were going through their divorce and I was placed in adult situations. I was left to fend for myself, so I did. Needless to say I was eager to escape living with family and all of the drama that came with alcoholism, domestic violence and a step-family with multiple cases of mental illness. As soon as I turned 18 I moved in with my boyfriend. Upon moving in with him, he promptly turned into an abuser, which thanks to what I witnessed in my childhood, I thought was “normal.” I realized I wanted the exact opposite of what my mother tolerated. I used to beg her to leave my father. Eventually she left him for another version of him. Again, I begged, and again she refused. Despite losing respect for her dealings with men, she was my best friend and an amazing mother. Without her, I wouldn’t have had a childhood. My mother and her parents raised me to be who I am today and I learned the hard way to never settle, like my mother had.

I left the abusive boyfriend. Like my mother, I replaced him with another version of him. I repeated this pattern again and again with good guys in between. Each and every time the abuse started I had a foot out the door. I began plotting my escape. Things get complicated with common-law situations. There are leases and the task of earning income for first and last month’s rent while doing it in secret. Stashing money away, making up bogus schedules when instead apartment hunting and earning secret money for my escape wasn’t quick and easy, yet I did it time and time again. I knew; NEVER tell an abuser you’re leaving.

I sought therapy and found a psychiatrist. I saw him once a week for nearly 2 years. Just as we started to make an incredible, yet terrifying breakthrough by beginning to retrieve suppressed memories, the worst trauma of all happened. Someone took my mother from me. I couldn’t have been more broken. I reached out to bereavement groups to not only be verbally attacked or dismissed, but more than once accused of not being an actual patient, but a reporter. One time was during the SARS outbreak, there was intense screening to even walk through the doors of the hospital, but apparently patients weren’t allowed to be concerned for their own safety. I was asked who I was working for. This happened a second time for absolutely no reason. I was pulled out of a waiting room and interrogated for several minutes, accused of being a reporter. I received no apology either time, even when they realized their mistake. My final psychiatrist was referred to me by my medical doctor. I was put on a 2 year waiting list to see the psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with complex post traumatic stress disorder. After inappropriate behaviour I stopped seeing him. I’d been seeing him once a week for a year and had wondered about his professionalism, but gave him multiple chances because I was so desperate for help. I looked into his background and discovered that his license was once suspended and he pled guilty for sexual misconduct of a patient. This is the professional that I had to wait 2 years for? This is the professional who my medical doctor referred?

No one sees the terror on the inside, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.

At this point seeking therapy in vain has covered a span of over 2 decades. I have my fears, but they are valid fears. I’m not afraid of anything or anyone who cannot actually hurt me. I have PTSD symptoms from people and things that have hurt me in the past. I’ve always had good grades, been great at every job, have multiple friendships, mostly long-term and lifelong and have strong bonds with my pets. I function extremely well considering what I’ve endured and the lack of help I’ve received. When I share just one experience people question how I function so well. A psychiatrist once even questioned that. He told me that I handle myself well and I speak eloquently so I must be fine. No one sees the terror on the inside, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. I should’ve received help long ago. Maybe I would’ve made better relationship choices, had avoided horrific traumas and be in a safe environment free of insomnia, nightmares and everything else that comes with PTSD.  I’ve been a victim of domestic violence, losing people I love dearly to violent deaths, having my home broken into, being mugged at gun point etc. I think I deserve counseling. I’ve been met with terrible doctors and plenty of them. Are they all incompetent? I hope there aren’t others like me being forced to be strong because no matter how strong a person is, we all need support. If there were anything weak about me I’d be a complete mess, but every morning I wake up and I function like a person who had never met a monster, who had never faced tragic loss and brutality. Like I said, I’m a strong person, but I shouldn’t always have to be.

Just Because You’re Strong, Doesn’t Mean You Should Always Have to be.