Alive Day

I’m Sean, I’m 35 and I’ve been battling depression since I was 12. Everyone who has struggled with mental illness knows it’s not easy.  I have been inspired by a friend who has served in Afghanistan and was injured in combat at the beginning of the Canadian deployment. I learned that he and others also injured in combat have what is called an “alive day.” This is the day they were injured and survived where others paid the ultimate sacrifice with their life.  

December 10, 2016 is my alive day, I have hope that I CAN beat this finally.

Well, this time it’s been a slow burn to the bottom again.

It started with trying to renovate our bathroom, which I completed to about 90 percent and could only focus on what wasn’t perfect. Then I hated my job and constantly being passed over for a job I was qualified for, so I eventually got a new job… then got fired for things that weren’t my fault. I actually got a new job by day 4 of unemployment, this was obviously welcome news and I felt a sense of relief from the pressure. Problem was that it was midnight shift, six nights a week, doing something I didn’t want to do… but it was money and I need to pay my bills.

My downward spiral continues at this point, I’m brooding and only focusing on the job I don’t want, working nights is not what I want… especially six fucking nights a week… giving up coaching my son’s T-ball team because I need to sleep. My wife getting angry because working on the house only yields 80 percent completion because I focus on fuck ups and not finishing anything She never actually gets angry at me or says anything but I know she’s angry and disappointed and it’s bringing her down.

Now I’m mad and disappointed at myself for not finishing anything and for letting her down and now I’m starting to feel overwhelmed with a list of things to do and not wanting to keep screwing up anymore than I already have and not knowing where to start to actually finish anything. Finally during the thanksgiving weekend my wife tells me that our marriage is over.

I’ve spent years trying to force my life to be what I want

My mind races with feelings of inadequacy as a husband who can’t finish simple things. It races with the failure of being fired for things I don’t think are my fault. I feel bad because my kids look at me as someone who can’t finish anything and gets fired from a simple job that he should have known how to do. My kids are better without a failure showing them anything, how do they learn anything from a failure, or someone who can’t finish what they start? They’re better off without me … I’m thinking that nobody will miss me … nobody cares about me.

I’ve spent years trying to force my life to be what I want, both professionally and privately. Force my wife to love me and hug and kiss me even though I know she’s losing interest in our relationship and her want to be in a marriage. 

Back to my “Alive day”…

Weeks after her telling me it’s over, I decided that I’m done forcing her to be with depressed me and I need to fix me. The answer now lies with setting myself up to overcome the thought that I can’t beat it and I need to do something positive. Working midnights, sitting in front of a computer for eight hours and being able to listen to music and the Stern show, I decided that I’d spend a portion of those hours listening to the psychology of depression. I stumbled across an Oxford professor doing a series of “Q&A” type discussions about the psychology behind depression and his theory of it and dealing with it. I love what he’s saying, the light bulb goes off, but the first thing I find can’t be the entire answer. I continued to search and listen, I find a professor from an American University and I love what he’s saying as well … it’s time to buy books these people have written and jump in!

I feel alive, I feel hope, excitement

I keep listening and come across a Buddhist monk from England who lives in Western Australia and his talk on depression … it’s all clicked now … I get it and I’ve come across things that I actually think are crazy enough to work. I formulate a plan in my head to implement these strategies, teachings and just inspiring words from these sources and use it to replace my negative thoughts. The day I began to legitimately work was December 10, 2016.

I feel alive, I feel hope, excitement, I feel great about the possibility of turning it around.  I feel something other than sad, worthless, no good. I want to be here for my kids, they deserve someone who sets an example that this can be beat and someone who works hard in life.