Nov 17, 2016
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
Just a typical day at work in a humdrum existence. Existing with my wife but not getting along too well, I decided to do something out of the ordinary and stopped to get a small, meaningful surprise for her and drop it at her place of work. She would appear irked as she’s a private person but inside, she would be touched. I stopped by her place of work and she wasn’t there. I asked her supervisor where she was and he simply said she wasn’t there. My heart sank, as this wasn’t the norm. I went home and had a quick look around and found that there was items of hers missing. I immediately went to her mother’s house and she was there. She then said that she was leaving and taking the kids with her and that this was something she had been considering for a long time. I had no idea whatsoever. My world immediately crashed around me. She came home that day and we agreed to work on us. There were immediate issues between us that needed adjustment but we mutually worked on the issues, ourselves, and each other. We went to counselling and found the root issues, which were actually quite workable, once they were brought to our attention. But the damage had been done.
All I could hear was their voice saying “I’m disappointed in you.
A few weeks after that, someone I deeply respect said that they were disappointed in my current occupation of choice, as they thought I was worthy of a better position. We had a discussion about that entire topic and they understood the situation better. But all I could hear was their voice saying “I’m disappointed in you.” Just crushed…
The nights had become sleepless and long. I awoke from nightmares, just pent up rage, frustration, and overall hurt. There were times I silently screamed until my throat hurt from keeping the noise inside. The sudden, emotional turmoil had turned on the demons of anxiety and depression. I tried to deal with these as best I could by myself but the voices screamed through my argument of logic and they were winning. I relegated myself to be among the walking wounded and this was my fate for being a lesser person to the people important to me. I tried to not let this impact anyone around me, although keeping it all in did me no favours either. And it was starting to impact my performance at work as well. Being relatively new at my workplace, people didn’t really know me very well and didn’t know if this was the real me or not. And I didn’t really care if they did or not. On one particular day, a supervisor approached me and privately asked if I was okay. The poor lady wasn’t ready for my answer and I just emotionally vomited all over her. And it felt great to let it all out, the abbreviated version anyway. She took the time to listen to me and understand me. And it felt fantastic to let it all go. Or at least I thought I had.
There were scars but the bleeding had stopped.
The situation with my wife had bettered itself dramatically over the next few months and the wounds I had were healing quite well. There were scars but the bleeding had stopped. It had progressed so much that she had surprised me with tickets to a concert by a huge classic rock band. My anxiety kicked in and I had to say no. I told her that there was no way I could sit in the middle of 55,000 people. She understood and a friend went with her to the show. But seeing the disappointment on her face made me resolve that I wouldn’t do that to her again and I would fight my inner demons.. I forced myself to go places and do things that made me cringe and quiver. Eventually the shakes slowed and it doesn’t bother me that much anymore. The depression was another issue. It didn’t appear that often but it would creep in from time to time, and have its way with me. At one point over a few days, my lowest point, I decided to leave this life. I knew how, and where I would sort it out, but I couldn’t, knowing the scars it would leave behind on my survivors. My love for them outweighed my hate for myself. And I sank deeper, thinking I couldn’t get away from myself. While at work one particularly dark day, I decided I needed some time off, so I arranged it with my supervisor. He knew I was dealing with some issues and agreed, even on a short notice.
Knowing that demons lie to you feels fantastic.
The first day I just took to myself, dealing with the quiet at home, relaxing and enjoying my escape. I went to Sick Not Weak to read the chat rooms and liked what I was seeing. These were people like me and there was hope. I joined a room and explained what I was feeling. A common answer I received was to talk to someone at my Employee Assistance Program. I had the number at home and promised to call. I took the rest of the day to force myself to build up to it and the next day, I CALLED. One of the best goddamn decisions I made in my life. Just knowing I made a decision to reach out and take a step to help myself fix a problem I couldn’t fix myself was so liberating and powerful. I made that initial appointment and kept it. And several after that as well. Between the appointments, a strong resolve to believe started in me. Knowing that demons lie to you feels fantastic. I believe in the silver lining; I’m worth the effort, and there are many more positives to live for than there are negatives to wallow in.
Thank you SNW for being there.