None of us is immune

January 2002 I was a fully functioning viable member of the community; an active volunteer; involved in local politics and on a career path I loved. I had the world by the balls. Being goal oriented I successfully accomplished every goal set. February 2002 I was diagnosed with PTSD when in an instant, my world, as I knew it was over. I plummeted to depths of depression I never could have imagined. I was lost in an abyss; barely able to function, unable to eat or sleep, unable to figure out what happened and why. There were days I did not know my name. I would go many days without sleep as the night terrors and feeling of being attacked over and over again in my sleep was more than I could cope with.

Every minute of each day was a challenge for the first year.

I knew I was in trouble and sought out medical help immediately. I struggled with the prescribed medications. I was fearful of becoming addicted, or far worse, that in a moment of distress consume so much medication that I would terminate my life. There were days I wanted my life to be over, but I found the strength to battle through knowing that to give up would mean THEY WON. I fought with all my might. Each and every morning I got out of bed and went to work. I did not suffer in silence, a contingent of friends, coworkers, supervisors and my boss ensured I was eating and hydrating; that I had someone to talk to regardless of the hour. Every minute of each day was a challenge for the first year. I terminated the medication due to side effects.

I found strength in super heroes and heroines.

The following year I suffered a setback, experiencing a complete breakdown and was back at square one. My wellness regime included a strict healthy diet, multiple naps during the day, hydration, lots of exercise, and talk therapy with an excellent psychologist. I was unable to watch anything that caused sadness, so on doctor’s orders my TV viewing consisted of programming that brought humor to my life. Sadly I had put faith in some people that did not have my best interest at heart resulting in emotional and financial distress, but still I never gave up. At times I felt completely alone in the world. I found strength in superheroes and heroines. I did discuss my mental illness with people, but found most were not comfortable with the terminology “mental illness.” Some would respond, “you aren’t mentally ill, you are just lost” or “you are just sick for a bit.” I knew deep in my heart I WAS MENTALLY ILL.

I was not embarrassed by my mental illness. I knew it was a result of outside factors that I had no control over. I embraced my mental illness and made every effort to beat IT. I found some humor in IT. I found skills I once possessed were now difficult or completely gone, but I also acquired new skills I did not previously know existed. I met new people and had experiences that might not have been available to me previously. I discovered it was still possible to be a viable human being. My mental illness introduced me to primitive traditional rug hooking and over the course of the years I have produced hundreds of projects – many of which were donated for charitable causes for fundraising. I created a large project for Bell Let’s Talk – Clara’s Big Ride which I got to present to Ms. Hughes May, 2014. I also found volunteering at an animal rescue a helpful means of regaining my self esteem.

NONE OF US IS IMMUNE.

Is my life where I planned it to be? No, it is not even close to my original plans and dreams. I still have shrapnel from my bout of mental illness. I am fearful of putting trust in any one person. I am fearful of love. Years later every day is still a battle, but it is a battle I am successfully winning. Is my life full and rewarding? ABSOLUTELY. I am happy to report that completing the large rug hooking project for Bell Let’s Talk – Clara’s Big Ride was so therapeutic that 12 years of night terrors came to an end. I have learned that no matter how strong we might appear to be to others that mental illness can strike any of us at any time without notice. NONE OF US IS IMMUNE.