Balance Beam

The more you balance, the less likely you’ll fall.

I have known Casper for two years; we met at out workplace several years back. I believe she is a beautiful girl, aesthetically and mentally, fronting a smile every time I see her. She inhabits a 5 foot 8 frame with a thin frame, with big brown eyes and a little button nose. We were closing one night and she seemed fairly so I asked if she was all right.

“I don’t feel good enough,” she replied.

“Don’t say that, you are smart, and caring, and beautiful, and kind,” I said.

“I don’t feel like I’m worth it, things never get better.” Her distressed glaze affirmed.

Later in the week, we met for coffee.

“Do you feel a little better?” I poured a sugar packet into my cup as I waited for a response.

“A little, but I know the mellow feeling will pass and I’ll feel down again.” She grabbed her cup of coffee and took a sip.

“I don’t have an answer that won’t sound cliché. I don’t know what you’re going through but I can listen intently.” I felt useless. “Do you know when this feeling of being inadequate started?”

“I’ve been experiencing this prolonged sadness for a while, and I hate feeling pathetic; to me, being sad is a sign of weakness. I try to get better to empower myself and recently I’ve gotten stronger, whether it’s my body, my mental health, my spiritual understanding.” She looks out the window and decides to pull down the blinds.

She takes a long pause before she begins again. “I am constantly stuck in the middle, that’s how I’ve felt my whole life. I’m teetering between living and existing; when I’m truly happy there is still a shadow watching me telling me that sadness is going to come back. No emotion is ever truly there, I am on a beam and swaying based on the day.”

Taking a deep breath she asks, “Am I freaking you out?”.

“No, not at all, it’s just you seem so decisive on the outside but when I chew to your core, you’re extremely vulnerable.

“I’m sorry, I hate talking about this because I feel like I bore people out.” She fidgets in her seat and places her hands under her thighs.

“I’m here because I want to be, not because I have to be. I like listening to you.” I offer a smile.

She commences, “I hate the fact that I feel so validated, so dependant on what other people tell me I’m supposed to be. I feel pretty, I feel smart because a patron at work told me so. My body has always been an issue for me, and recently the more people tell me I look amazing, I accept it and stop working out. As soon as someone tells me I can lose more weight or get my ass tighter, it’s when I push myself to go exert myself at the gym. I rely on negative comments just as much as I rely on positive comment to feel internally good enough. I need to be told that I am good enough in someone’s eyes, and also I have a long way to go so that I can push myself to be sufficient in my reflection of myself.  Is this how life works for everybody? Is it?” She signals the waitress for more coffee.

I hesitate for a moment and try to respond as sensitively as I can. “Yeah, I think so. If people tell you you’re the best there is no reason for you to improve, but if you constantly tell yourself ‘oh I’m so fat and ugly and unworthy’, you are also not going to get any better because there is no hope instilled in you.”

“It all comes down to balance and balance is extremely difficult to achieve,” Casper adds.

We pay the bill and walk to my car. “I’ve always admired my dad because he recited beautiful quotes and I want to do that. I am much more confident in other people’s words.” She has a beautiful elegance in the way she chooses her words.

Casper is in a self tug-o-war between a subjective right and wrong. Like most of us, she struggles with the wellness of her physical and mental state. I think the guiding light is that no matter what she feels, she knows she has me to help her through it. The feeling she is experiencing at any given moment has been felt by millions before her and millions to come, all reacting differently with the sadness that is bound to happen in life. As Casper eloquently told me before dropping her off, “People are sad, people are happy and I think the secret is to feel everything wholly, but not to let it smother you.”