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Maybe things aren’t getting better, and thats okay

Guest Author: Beatrice

This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.

I try to think, and think, and maybe come to an answer of when all of this started. I mean, I’m so young. Barely even finished high school. Why is all of this happening to me?

I am 16 years old, and I am suffering from mental illness. My diagnosis ranges from depression, to ADHD, to borderline personality disorder. And to be completely honest, my life has been hell these past few years. My sickness has caused me to lose more friends than I can count, my grades to dropped, my self-esteem seems to disappear, along with my hope, motivation, and reason to live.  

My story does not have a miraculous breakthrough.

My story does not have a miraculous breakthrough, and I cannot say that I am in recovery. The only thing I can say, is that I am still here. I am still fighting. The demons I battle with, have caused me to attempt to end my life 2 times. The voices tell me that I am alone, that no one loves me, that I will amount to nothing in life, and they ruin any hope or optimism I have.

But there are days, where I am stronger than my mental illness. I am stronger than my illness. And so are you.

I am here today, and the only thing I can say is that, I haven’t given up. I cannot tell you that it’s going to get better, and that the voices in my head don’t tell me not to end my life. I know that when you are suffering from a mental illness, you grasp for a moment of hope, a sign, something to tell you when things are going to feel okay again. And the sad truth is, that it may take you a really, really long time to feel okay again. I am still waiting for the day to come when I can say that I am in recovery, and I no longer battle with the demons inside of my head. For now, I am going to continue holding on. I will hold on, and I will not give up. Even if I can’t get out of bed for days, even if I feel like I can’t leave my house, or like I am not worthy or deserving of a happy life. I will still continue to live.

My story isn’t over yet, and neither is yours.

My story isn’t over yet, and neither is yours. No matter what you are going through, even if it feels like it’s the worst thing you have ever been through, I can tell you that there will always be a moment of happiness, of hope. Even if it only lasts for 3 minutes, 3 seconds, it will still be there. I know that’s what I have to hold onto when things get really bad. Mental illness does everything it possibly can to hurt you, to make you hate yourself, to consider that ending your life is the only solution to ending your pain. Please, stand up to that. I know its hard, but it is possible.

I stand up to my mental illness when I can, and those small victories, remind me that I am stronger than this, and someday, I will feel like I can finally say, that things do get better.

Comments

greg
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Thank you for sharing, I know exactly how you feel. I fight every day, and I will keep doing so.
Thanks for the encouragement

Guardian Angel
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Hi, there are so many questions I want to ask you. Like what is it that has made your life hell in the last few years.

You are very young at 16 just starting to find out who you are.

Already you are labelled (by Drs/yourself/who?). I’m 61 and can look back on a life that started with me being like you are now. The things I believed about myself were as a result of how I grew up, my family circumstances and dynamic. And much more besides, as a child of parents who had been through the war.

You have a lot of pain in your life. What makes your heart beat faster.What are the things you love, are good at?

Life is challenging, growing to adulthood is challenging.

What other labels would you like to use to describe yourself.

You sound like a fine person, you’re more than a label X

Marianne
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You are so brave and strong. Thank you for the honesty. You deserve all the joy in the world, every minute and every day that you can get.

Laura
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You have just given me hope and the will to go on. Thank you.

Grandma
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Thanks for sharing your story, I really needed to hear this today more than you know. The last 2 1/2 years have been hell trying to get me stable. This year many physical injuries and health concerns that need to be addressed. I have contiplated suicide more times than I can count. I seem to have found the strength to go on. Your right I am worth it, just wish my head would believe it. I’m very happy and proud that at a young age you have such great insight and amazing advice. Keep it up.

Can we heal?
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Thank you for sharing your story. My journey with mental illness started years ago but was only diagnosed 7 years ago. Everyday is a struggle. I have to look at each day and find good in it. If I didn’t do that I wouldn’t have the will to go on. You are so brave in discussing your diagnosis which is the same as mine. Keep talking about it and getting the knowledge out there. Thanks

wan
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So proud of you!! Keep fighting, fight for your happiness. We, SNW fam, are here for you.

Worried mom
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Dear Beatrice

I hope you have many many more days when you’re stronger than your mental illness.
Please hold on and do not give up, the fact that you want to believe that one day you will be in recovery makes all the difference. It breaks my heart to read the pain you’re going through. I have a 17 yr old daughter that has been going through the same pain for amost 5 yrs . Her pain is not as deep now as it was before so there’s hope that things can get better. You are a brave young girl. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be stronger than your mental illness and I can sense you’re working very hard to achieve that. It must feel very good when you feel strong. Keep strong. You can do it.

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