Climb back to the top

My name is Meghan. I am kicking anxiety disorder’s ass.

I have probably had this thing called anxiety for a majority of my life, but not until six or seven years ago was it diagnosed as such. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to dig deep into the recesses of my memory, as far back to my childhood as I could remember, to understand that all of the signs had been there, they were just missed.

I concealed my depression and anxiety throughout middle school and high school. I had the picture perfect life with a happy family who had dinner together every night. My parents didn’t abuse or neglect me. They spent time with us kids, took us camping, and on other small adventures. I had chores at home. I was able to participate in any activity I wanted to. I had a group of friends who loved coming to my house for slumber parties.  My parents were involved. Who would believe the dark thoughts and feelings that I was having? Nobody, that’s who. When I moved away to college at the young age of 18 I had a downward spiral that took me from the top of the world to rock bottom. It ultimately lead me to a suicide attempt my freshman year. That’s when I got the diagnosis of depression. While I was engaged with regular therapy and med management appointments for my pill regimen meant to keep me stable, I was merely going through the motions. I was still self-medicating with the use of unhealthy life choices and I was not accepting or acknowledging that something was wrong with me. Something was very wrong. I moved home after failing out of college, pleading my case to get back in, and then simply losing interest, and being on the brink of failing out a second time. My mom was the only one who knew about my first fail out, and agreed completely to let me move home and get my shit together.

Who would believe the dark thoughts and feelings that I was having?

Less than a year later I felt like I was ready to give the independent life another shot. I got accepted into a different college and moved 200 miles away from everyone who was familiar to me. I graduated from college in 2010 with my Bachelor in Science degree in Sociology with an emphasis on Human Services. The relationship I was in began to deteriorate and was essentially a waste of nearly four years of my life. In hindsight (again) the signs were all there, I just didn’t see them. I was in love and blind, apparently. In 2011 my life was flipped upside down again. The break up happened and it wasn’t pretty. I was again hiding these thoughts and feelings of sadness, darkness, suicide, and anxiety. I was becoming someone I didn’t like. I began spiraling out of control and losing myself and all of my friends due to my behavior. It was during 2010-2011 that I had started seeing a therapist again, which is where my Anxiety Disorder, NOS diagnosis came from.

I progressed my way out of the struggle, let my lost friendships go, and made new ones all the while putting up walls and pushing people away without even realizing it. I continued to have off and on thoughts of suicide, major anxiety, and bouts of depression that would keep me locked up at home for days at a time.

I progressed my way out of the struggle.

Over the past five years I have climbed my way back to the top. I have been married for (almost) two years meanwhile conquering trials and tribulations that could’ve easily brought my life back into shambles. After moving closer to home 6 months before our wedding (in 2014) for my husband’s job promotion, I was unemployed for eight months. I spent countless hours applying for jobs, going to interviews, and avoiding the mailman for fear of another rejection letter. I had no idea how much of a mental toll that was going to take on me until after our wedding was all said and done, and I was responsible for more than just myself. I finally obtained a job with an agency I had previously worked for, but with a different department. It was also a position that I had interviewed for seven months prior. The job took me out of my comfort zone and forced me to learn a lot, and learn it quickly. It opened my eyes to a whole new world, and I thought that was pretty great! What I didn’t realize, until it was too late, was how negatively that job was going to affect my life. That agency, the job itself, and the coworkers I had there left a negative impact on my life, and it is something I am still trying to work through.

After a short visit to Austin, TX in April of 2015 I finally realized, and I mean REALLY realized, for the first time that there was life outside of my part of the world, which happened to be the Midwest. I told my husband I wanted to move to Austin. He had never been so happy to hear me say I wanted to move. In the fall of 2015 I started applying for jobs. I landed a job after one phone interview with an agency I have since learned is HUGE. I moved to Austin right after Christmas. My mom and I packed my car, drove down here, and moved me in with my cousins for a short month. Because my job offer came first, and quickly, my husband and I decided I would come down here alone and he would stay until he had a job. I lived over 1,000 miles apart, as a newlywed, for the better part of three months. I started a new job, I found us a new home, and I unpacked our life all on my own. On March 13, 2016 I was in my husband’s arms again for the first time since December 27, 2016.

This climb back to the top hasn’t come without being knocked down.

Since starting my new life in Austin I have never felt more at peace with my anxiety and ability to conquer it. I have tapped into my inner child and developed some new coping skills. I have a pool across the parking lot from my apartment that I spend endless hours at with new friends or with a book. I have been brave enough to explore new places on my own. I am trying things and doing things I would’ve never done before moving here. Because things haven’t been 100% sunshine and rainbows and I still have a long ways to go, I have been seeing a therapist again for about three months, I am on a low dose of an anti-anxiety medication, and am in the final stages of planning to start our family. This climb back to the top hasn’t come without being knocked down; I’ve found myself flat on my ass multiple times, but I am able to get back up and fight on.  I have no plans to stop fighting this war, one battle at a time I am winning.